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Music

Miss Jen's Music News Toots - Tori Amos Signs Some Weird Band

Includes actual talk of a Muffin Man.

Lady patron songstress Tori Amos has taken a break from straddling her piano bench to diversify her portfolio—with a record label named Transmission Galactic. Huh? Yea. I’m fucking serious. Her first signing? A glam cabaret shitshow trio out of England named The Adventures Of... The adventures of what, you ask?

Come, my friend. Come into a “grandiose and elaborately executed” labyrinth of striped mime shirts, bowler hats, smeared guyliner, suspenders, and manscaped black hair. Where screaming dudes circle jerk with old timey microphones and guitars in a saloon-style, sepia-drenched wet dream of Brit zit pop. And then dress in troll costume to tell “stories” via video on the band’s website. Get it? Me neither.

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Are we sitting down? Good.

Once upon a time, there was a navel-gazing vocalist/guitarist/troll named Adam Hanington. Adam painstakingly “gathered repurposed leather, wood, and brass to handcraft a book-like vessel that would hold [his] band’s demo CD and a letter to [Tori] Amos.” A VESSEL. It was an artisanal vessel, you see. We’re talking full-on fucking fantasy land of mystical enchantment. And when the vessel opened, a sugary explosion of orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, and blue diamonds burst forth.

Hanington’s charming treasures warmed Amos’s heart so—like sweltering breath from a fiery dragon’s jaws. “When I was first introduced to The Adventures Of it was clear that they were going to be my first signing,” she says. “Adam's ability to craft a story along with his natural showmanship were immediate.”

And so the courage of the three fantasy man/troll mixologists prevailed. Beaming from the dark towers, the band’s debut album,Top Hats and Scary Tales, a “cabaret-inspired marriage of heavy rock and Britpop,” swiftly shot forth. Like hot piss. Speaking of piss, I’d rather have hot pee poured into festering open wounds than listen to this shit.

THE END

I wish it was the end. Here's The Adventures Of…’s video for their lead track “Complication”—an “irresistibly twisted” 4-minute theme park clusterfuck identity crisis.

Previously: Vagina Rings