The city of Baltimore decided it's going to host a Grand Prix downtown next month. That's that racecar event where men stuff themselves into tiny cars and zoom around a track trying to convince themselves they don't have small penises.
Prepping the city for this massive event, which will shut down a good portion of the downtown area for Labor Day weekend, means months of laborious planning, including deciding where the grandstands will go so the hoards of spectators they're expecting will have a decent place to watch. There's just one annoying thing: Too many damn trees in the way! So the city's cutting down a bunch of 'em—estimates run anywhere from 40 to 100—because everyone knows rows and rows of aluminum bleachers certainly look better than the 31 trees the city has already cut down.
Word on Twitter is that some of the trees downtown are spiked, ELF style, and the Mayor and police department have been notified. Yesterday, according to the Baltimore Business Journal, a judge tossed out a restraining order against the city in an attempt to protect the trees. She claimed there was no legal standing to have filed the injunction in the first place, and anyway, there wasn't enough info to consider taking action.The city is pledging to plant close to 200 more trees to make up for the removal. But this Grand Prix is apparently "inaugural," implying there will be a series of them. Looks like there's going to be good gardening and lumberjack business in Baltimore for years to come.LIZ ARMSTRONG

