Last night I wanked to the budget, and as far as I know I am the only person who did so intentionally. But whether or not I am the only person who actually did is irrelevant because as they say, heroes come in all forms.
To be honest, I’m not the best wanker. I’m also in the middle of moving so my vibrator was in a box in my friend’s garage several suburbs away, so I tried to use a variety of vegetables. I bought a zucchini, a particularly knob-ended carrot, and an eggplant to play a wanking game. For example, I figured I’d use the eggplant when funding cuts affected something I cared about, as a sort of sad punishment thing.
So I was prepared. I had cheap red wine, leftover dark chocolate, phallic-shaped veggies, an empty apartment, and a whole bottle of lube. I even searched for what Google thought the sexiest music was. The answer, by the way, is Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.”
Then I put on the TV and Leigh Sales appeared. She’s a babe and not afraid to go down hard on conservatives, and knowing she was presenting the ABC’s coverage got things moving. But then the actual budget started and Scott Morrison was up there talking about all the taxes he was cutting, and how they were focusing on elderly people. I cracked out the lube. This was going to be tough.
Although I’m a bit of a preacher about “use lube at all times,” I have to admit, I never actually use it. I think I’ve always kept some sort of inner shame, as though my vagina’s own self-lubricating system should be enough. Plus, the last time I bought lube was really embarrassing because my local IGA keeps lube, condoms, batteries, and razors behind the counter like they're cigarettes, and you have to request exactly what you want REALLY LOUDLY in front of EVERYONE. It was so awkward that I accidentally bought a “heated” lube which just gave me a burning feeling.
But this time I went to a Woolworths, where they keep intimate items in the aisles like the self-respecting supermarket that they are. This meant I could peruse the lubes at my own leisure, and not get the burning one.
Anyway, turns out I’ve been missing out on the joys of mazzing with lube because it’s great. No wonder I was crap at mazzing for so long.
At this point the Liberals were on my TV screen saying “hear, hear” in unison like they were trying to be encouraging. But the Liberal party are a real turn-off and I was just blandly rubbing myself as Scott Morrisons’ punchable face rattled off all the ways they’re preventing rich people from paying taxes. Occasionally the cameras would focus on some scummy Liberal or another, and their eyes would rest on the camera, and it was unnerving, like they were looking right at me. This happened to Peter Dutton at one point and I almost spilled my wine in fear.
No amount of lube was able to help me when the sentence “stopped the boats” was uttered. There is no bigger turn off than a complete disregard of human rights and lives. And it didn’t help much either, when he started talking about how criminal gangs and terrorists are somehow not paying taxes. I don’t think there are many terrorists in Australia getting flown in private helicopters on tax dollars. Correct me if I’m wrong, Scott Morrison. I couldn’t even angry wank.
I needed to try something new so I grabbed for a zucchini and got it ready. But then realised I'd stupidly put all the vegetables in the fridge and they were far too cold to maz with.
To distract myself, I tried to think about how Eartha Kitt, Paul Newman, and James Dean once had a threesome, and then I started researching James Dean. Turns out he’s had many threesomes, and even had sex with Marlon Brando. That was helping.
Then the panel with Richard Di Natale, Leigh Sales, and others was on and Richard Di Natale was getting very angry and saying all the things that I agree with and I orgasmed to Richard Di Natale. Richard Di Natale, a dad, a doctor, leader of the Greens. He lives in the Otway Ranges and cares about issues. Leigh Sales was agreeing with him while wearing smokey eye makeup and James Dean, Eartha Kitt, and Paul Newman once had a threesome. Things were really coming together.
The budget finished the same time I did and then an advert for a show about Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, came on and I turned the TV off.
The budget was crap. I knew it’d be crap, so it didn’t make me angry. It just made me resignedly sad. Looking closer at the cuts in the sobering light of day has left me feeling cold and clammy. A cap on the ABC’s budget, a flat tax rate, etc. It’s upsetting. I feel grimy, dirty. But, on the other hand I masturbated to the budget and experienced a personal wanking breakthrough.
The breakthrough was that I’d never taken lube seriously, but now I’m going to slip and slide my divide from now on. And Eartha Kitt, James Dean, and Paul Newman shall remain in my spank bank forever.