Ah, one-night stands. We've all been there. And as the gap between puberty and settling down gets ever wider, more of us seem to be going there than ever before. Mind you, some one-night stands attain a higher level of rowdiness than others: while most are essentially "down shots and get naked in front of a stranger", sometimes there's blood involved, or machetes.
Below, I spoke to some people about their wildest one night stands.
We met on Tinder: he was 38 and I was 21. We decide to meet for lunch in Soho. While we're waiting for our food he tells me he that he has a son, who's 19, and wants to check that it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable because I'm roughly the same age as his child. I was so attracted to him I didn't care, and after lunch we get a black cab back to his insane art-filled townhouse in Hackney. When we get there he makes us gin and tonics and runs us a bath with candles and the works.
We get out and he's put on a Prince record and has made a fire, with actual logs. We proceed to have sex on a rug by the fire, then he brings out some coke and we carry on doing coke and fucking until like midnight, at which point we move into the bedroom and carry on. Eventually morning rolls around and he makes me a coffee, calls me an Uber and sends me home. The next day I get a text from him saying I gave him a midlife crisis and he shouldn't be hanging with girls a similar age to his son. I never hear from him again.
I was at a party when I was a student, and all the boys there wanted to get with this Sasha Grey-looking chick. Everyone there was mad rich – she was friends of a friend who lived next door to John Terry. Anyway, they were all playing dead-out acoustic guitar around a campfire while me and this other dude were chugging Polish lager and trying to chat this girl up. Eventually we all kinda pass out in a bedroom, and around 5AM I get up to go for a piss when she knocks on the door behind me. I let her in. I didn't even get to wee yet, but she starts kissing my dick and we end up having sex in the toilet, thinking we're being mad stealth. We finish up and go back to bed, and find everyone wide awake laughing. Turns out we were fucking against the other side of the wall they were all sleeping on.
This boy was in my Snapchat a lot, doing wyd's and eye emojis at my selfies. After about two weeks of this I invite him over and he's so peng – beautiful face, beautiful smile, gorgeous. Anyway, we get down to it and he comes in my mouth but keeps his dick in there and holds my head really still and says "keep sucking, yeah" – but I can't move my head and he's not doing any moving either, so I'm basically just suckling on his dick. I stay there for like five minutes, just suckling, until he comes again.
After that he starts billing a spliff, charging his phone, making some calls, whatever. I'm doing my own thing on my phone, then he goes, "Do you got a wipe?" so I get a baby wipe out from beside me, thinking he wants to clean up a little, but when I turn around to look at him I see he's backed out this fucking HUGE knife – the biggest knife I've ever seen. I pass him the baby wipe and just don't say anything, because I don't know what to say: there is a boy polishing a fucking machete in my bed. He gets up and puts it in his sleeve, gets dressed, tucks the knife into his trousers and asks me if I want anything from the shop.
When he leaves I realise he's left his iPhone, so I go to my housemates and tell them what's going on. and one of them is like, "He's not coming back in this house," which is fair enough, but his phone is here. Half an hour later he comes back and my housemate gives him the phone and sends him away. Half an hour after that I get a Snapchat message from him saying, "Sorry I just had to pop shop," and that was it. I never saw him or his machete again.
I'd got home from work one night, just had a shower and was about to settle down to watch Eastenders when my phone rang. It was a girl I'd spoken to a bit on Tinder but never met. I answered and she was very frantic, telling me I had to come over and help her because someone was breaking into her house. While I'm trying to figure out what the fuck to do, it transpires she was just horny and wanted me to come through. I wasn’t really in the mood, but eventually my dick bullied me into it and I got in my car and drove to some place with a TW postcode. It just kept getting bookier from there: first, she told me to meet her on a bench just up her road, then she directed me to a car park in a leisure centre and told me to park my car there.
I park, and follow her to the edge of some water. She starts winding some big metal wheel on a wooden post, which draws a little raft on chain up to the edge, and then does the same to a wheel on the raft to pull ourselves across the water. Now we're on the other side on, like, a little island of wooden chalets. We get to her chalet and it's quickly apparent that it’s her family home. I meet her step-mum and it's awkward. We go to her room and she explains that her dad is a big drinker and won't be home until 3AM, and won't get up until after we've left, so I won't meet him and it's fine. We open a bottle of port, barely chat and just have sex. Afterwards she decides to have a shower. She asks me to come shower with her, but something in me tells me to decline.
Suddenly the front door goes and her dad comes home, three hours early. I hear him muttering, "Who the fuck's showering at this time?" He opens the door to the bathroom and they start having a blazing row. I'm on the other side of a thin unlocked door, like, 'shit, shit, shit', trying to get dressed silently in case he comes in, cursing this fucking weird little chalet bedroom for not having any windows to climb out of. In the end he didn't come in, but I had to listen to them rowing about the fact I was there for about 40 minutes. Eventually, after another half-hour of him hanging around the kitchen outside her room, opening and closing drawers, he went to bed. I crept out at like 6AM, rafted back across the water to my car, which was surrounded by 30 people in lycra with a boom box thumping out deep house, doing a dawn aerobics session. I got in, drove back to the ends and went McDonald's drive-thru. Mad.
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