Welcome to the Noisey Power Rankings, where we take a look back at this week in our dystopian reality and try to figure out who came out on top and who took the Ls. Let's dig in…
Billionaire Richard Branson moves down this week for announcing a music festival called VIRGIN FEST. Wow, pretty cool of him to name a whole festival after your college years.
Normies had a great week. Riding high off the thrill of the recent Banksy prank, normies were treated to this week’s Pete Davidson/Ariana Grande breakup, which was like Christmas heroin for them. So, big congrats to normies across the world for getting off on the romantic hardships of two celebrities whose relationship was a mismatch by people’s narrow understanding of human worth!
Pigs had a bad week. Aside from Ariana Grande’s pig, Piggy Smalls, getting dragged into the media shitshow of the couple’s breakup, an airport K-9 unit in Atlanta narced on someone trying to carry a roasted pig in their carry-on suitcase. We want to be mad at Hardy, the beagle who sniffed it out, but just look at his face. Stop turning adorable pups into cops! Let the pigs find their own pigs.
Oh, and pro tip: If you're trying to sneak a giant roasted pig through airport security without detection, maybe….. don't wrap it in like 40 pounds of aluminum foil?
Look, we don’t like the idea of Cardi B dropping in the rankings either, but a Bronx icon who likes the Red Sox???? That’s sacrilegious. The Great Bambino is rolling over in his grave and 100 Yankee Stadium bleacher creatures are grabbing their junk and saying, “Ayy, c’mere and say it to my face, my guy. Twenty-seven rings."
The summer of BDE has officially come to an end and we must give it the viking's funeral. It was a wonderfully innocent few weeks we all shared there, but we must now put it to rest. Don’t worry, though, BDE will never fully die. BDE will never be DOA.
BDE may be down but MP3 is up! After being dead for years, the turn-of-the-century music player Winamp is coming back. No word on whether or not your Avril Winamp skin will be compatible.
Punk goes down for its 284th consecutive week after Sex Pistols singer Johnny Rotten was spotted hanging his increasingly rotund body out a window wearing a giant, red MAGA shirt. Take a good look below, kids. This is the face of anarchy at 62—a human Christmas ornament trying desperately to stay relevant.
Oh, and punk took another hit earlier this month when perpetually crying sweet potato Alex Jones asked former Misfits singer Michale Graves, “Do you know how much tail the Misfits has gotten me?” We’d link to it here but Jones is currently banned from most media platforms, rendering his reach very limited and we’d like to keep it that way. So just trust us on this one. It would’ve killed your soul to watch anyway.
Pens drop in the rankings this week after a promo video of Sylvester Stallone’s gaudy-ass pen resurfaced online. It’s Da Share Zone in pen form. Pen looks like something you’d use to sign the contract for your Ed Hardy sponsorship. Pen looks like the treasure they’re trying to find in the porn parody of Pirates of the Caribbean. Pen looks like an e-cig for 60-year-old retired Florida guys who say “boss.”
The Big Boy is back! This massive gator was spotted on a golf course in Florida, where the mouth of Hades will eventually open up. We’re pretty stoked that when these beasts evolve to their final form and make their way through the country to take their revenge, they’ll be starting on a Florida golf course, where all the retired white-collar dudes hang out.
Grusk hath returned. Everyone’s favorite power-couple took their relationship to the next level by visiting a pumpkin patch, the go-to activity for couples who have been dating for just long enough to have run out of fun things to do together. Next stop: Dia:Beacon.
This video singlehandedly drops "Mo Bamba" down. Eesh.
Canada owes a debt of gratitude to Gucci Mane after having weed legalized on 10/17, the National Gucci Day of Observance. So Gucci officially moves up five points in the power rankings, which, after applying the international conversion rate, is actually 6.3 points.
Jonah Hill goes down this week after admitting on The Breakfast Club that his DJ Name was Spindrome. Man, that is the worst DJ name of all time, followed closely by every other DJ name ever.
And lastly, Marilyn Manson announced that he is selling a dildo with his face on it for Halloween (as well as some nice pumpkin-carving stencils). Twenty years ago, this might have been met with some modicum of shock, but it's 2018 and the idea of taboo has been obliterated by the cold reality of the world around us. We are the generation raised on LiveLeak videos of elevator decapitations and articles about eating ass. Nothing is shocking anymore. Marilyn stays the same in this week's rankings. Cool dildo, though.