The Best Ways to Secretly Nap at Work

Happy National Napping Day!
March 12, 2018, 9:16pm

It's good practice to ignore the glut of national holidays because they are just transparent marketing stunts. But today is National Napping Day, so I'll make an exception, because sleep is great, and a third of Americans don't get enough of it.

If you're one of the unfortunate sleep-deprived Americans, do not fear! Here are eight foolproof spots to secretly nap at work, because there is no better feeling than covertly getting paid to sleep.

1. Your car

I live in New York City and don't have a driver's license, so this isn't particularly doable for me. But I understand many people don't live in major metropolitan areas, and thus have access to probably the most private office nap spot. This is ideal, and if your boss walks by, you can always play dead. Have a driver's license but not a car? Do not fear! You can rent a portable napping pod (known as a "Car2Go") in many cities across the country for a mere $15 per hour.

2. The bathroom stall

Taking long bathroom breaks to secretly nap has its advantages: Your superiors are less likely to scold you for spending too long in the loo, as opposed to, say, your car (see above), because you can always claim "diarrhea" or "constipation."

3. Under your desk

George Constanza perfected this move, and it obviously works best if you have your own office, but here I am, peacefully resting beneath my office blanket, in our open office. In order to pull this off, you'll need to have chill co-workers to provide cover for you. For example, whenever I'm napping beneath my desk and my boss walks by, my desk mate Alex shouts, "Look up! There's a bat on the ceiling! It's going to attack!" Works every time.

4. Outside

In the summer, this is a relatively easy task, all you need is access to a grassy area, but it can be done in the winter—all you need is a big warm coat. Many years ago, when I was a wee child in preschool, I abhorred playtime outside, especially in the frost of winter. During those bitterly cold recesses, I would curl up in my down parka and sleep underneath a bench.

5. At your desk in sunglasses

If your boss can't see your eyes, they won't know whether they're opened or closed. That's just science. So if you're wearing sunglasses to work—if anyone asks you have a stye—you can sleep anywhere, everywhere, all places, always, forever.

6. Behind a plant

All organic beings are the same, when you really think about it. You'll never get caught napping behind the office plant, but only if you become one with nature first.

7. The copy room

Everything is digital nowadays, so the once-poppin' copy room can become a place of quiet respite, the ultimate office nap destination.

8. Honestly, just go home

Humans are very self-involved creatures, so it's safe to assume that others are generally paying less attention to you than you think they are. So ask yourself, if you leave two hours early, would your boss even notice? Probably not! They have their own shit to deal with, so just go home.

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