'Guacamole Cheese' Is a Thing Now, but It Shouldn't Be

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.
April 30, 2019, 10:29pm
Photo courtesy of Fresh Market

Early in Jurassic Park—the OG Jurassic Park—Dr. John Hammond gives a group of investors a preview of the park and its future attractions, complete with slideshows, glossy brochures, and a lunch served by staffers in Jurassic Park-logo aprons. Ian Malcolm, as played by my imaginary husband Jeff Goldblum, is having none of it, and he tells Hammond why.

“You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you knew what you had, you patented it, packaged it, slapped in on a plastic lunch box, and now you want to sell it,” he said. “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.”

No one at Daily Dairy will be eaten by dinosaurs because of their own arrogance (at least they probably won’t be), but the Dutch cheesemaker also seems to have brought something into this world without considering whether or not anyone was ready for it—or whether we needed it.

According to Travel + Leisure, Daily Dairy is the company responsible for Guacamole Cheese, which is a combination of cow’s milk Gouda, avocado, lime juice, chile, tomato, onion, and garlic. It is also undoubtedly capable of causing a great disturbance to the natural order, even before it appears on the shelves at every Fresh Market location on Wednesday. (That part is true: it’s arriving just in time to up the caucacity of your sorority’s Cinco De Mayo party.) The Amanti Guacamole Cheese will retail for $24.99 per pound, and it can be purchased in slightly smaller wedges. It can also be left in the store, or thrown in the trash.

If Twitter is any indication, the response to the cheese has been an almost universal hard pass. “THIS DOES A DISSERVICE TO BOTH GUACAMOLE AND CHEESE we do not have to tolerate this,” one woman replied. “Goat shit is ALSO a thing but it doesn’t mean you should eat it,” another added. And a third person just went with “Fuck off!”

Daily Dairy seems to enjoy playing God as much as it plays cheesemaker: In addition to the Amanti Guacamole Cheese, it also produces more than a half-dozen other flavored cheeses, like Amanti Green Pesto, Amanti Red Pesto, Amanti Black Pepper, and a cow-and-goat milk combination that it calls “Life Cheese.”

“You don't see the consequences,” Dr. Malcolm said, shortly after the T. Rex started biting into Port-a-Johns and eating attorneys whole. “ You're very good at solving problems, at getting answers—but you just don't know the right questions.”

“Who wants guacamole cheese?” isn’t the right question. It will never be the right question.