Drake and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The 6 God has returned with one billion streams and one hidden son. What will our hero do next?
July 9, 2018, 4:49pm
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It's been over two years since we entered the world of "Owls." In our last adventure, the 6 God had a bout with Eminem (and, weirdly, Joe Budden). Now, we return to our hero after the release of 'Scorpion,' a project that's longer than the 'Lion King,' and meet a the boy/man who is now ready to introduce the world to his son, thanks to Pusha T. Read parts one, two, and three of "Owls: A Drake Story."

*Today, we find the light-skinned Keith Sweat in the OVO studios, a smile beaming across his face. His son Adonis watches him from a playpen as he paces around in front of him. 40 and PartyNextDoor sit on different couches and use there phones, hoping Drake won't speak for a while longer.*

Drake: A toast, my good men, to the successful release of another OVO classic. Every night before I lay my head on literally the silkest pillowcase ever made, I imagine life without the broskis and immediately get depressed.
40: No problem, fam.
PND: Thanks, I guess.
Adonis: Dadadadadaaaa
Drake: That's right. Your dada is the king of North America.
Drake: Wait, Party, what do you mean "I guess"?
PND: I mean, a successful release? That Pusha T thing wasn't a success.
Drake: *chuckles* It wasn't? What has Pusha T done since people stopped asking him about my kid? Go back under Kanye's titties, probably.
PND: But Sophie, dude. Have you seen her paintings?
Drake: Oh god, never.
PND: My nigga, you should have. You might not have nut in her.

*Drake picks up Adonis*

Drake: Please, not in front of my son, man. This is why I was hiding the world from him.
40: Yo, Tiffany Haddish talked about that time you stood her up on Jada Pinkett Smith's facebook show.
Drake: The one that's like everyday struggle for the Oprah Winfrey Network? Man, come on. How is it standing her up if I told her I was cancelling? Let me see, jeez.

*Drake reads the article in 40s phone*

Drake: Wow, so I made her miss out on a bag, huh? Wait a second.

*Drake puts Adonis in a playpen before making a call on his phone. He clears his throat when someone picks up.*

Drake: Tiff! How are you.
Tiffany: I knew you was gonna call me. What you want?
Drake: I just wanted to see how you were doing. We still gotta reschedule that dinner date.
Tiff: Whatever. You act like you the first nigga to stand me up because he had to go take care of a son he didn't tell anybody about.
Drake: See, haha, this is why you're a comedian.
Tiffany: I wasn't being funny. We can reschedule the date, but I want a dick pic.
Drake: Tiffany, I'm a father, now. That's a poor example to set, you know?
Tiffany: I'm not gonna show the picture to your son or something. So you don't have no meat pics sitting in your phone?
Drake: This is inappropriate really. I'm uncomfortable.
Tiffany: You don't wanna go to dinner with me then because ima jump on your damn face.
Drake: *blushes* Okay, wow, let's take a step back here. We can go to dinner and we'll discuss all of that stuff. I sincerely apologize if I disrespected you or hurt your feelings.
Tiffany: *laughs heartily* Oh, goodness. Imagine my feelings being hurt by a light-skinned man. Nigga, you the comedian.
Drake: Yeah, hahaha. That's great to hear from a fellow SNL host.
Tiffany: Yeah, we fellows alright. How about ima give you my schedule and you let me know when you get a babysitter.
Drake: Haaa, that works.
Tiffany: Alright, bye. You distracting me from getting my feet licked.
Drake: Okay, buh-bye.

*Drake hangs up and hands Adonis his phone*

Drake: I think I'm going to cancel again.
40: Yeah, she's dating Common anyway.
Drake: Gross.
PND: You should probably settle down, fam. Getting cuffed is hot now. You saw Jay and Beyonce album.
Drake: Oh, the one where she talks about forgiving him for cheating? Yeah, that's what the streets want.
PND: I mean, technically Push already brought the drama out in the open. Side B is a good start, but you should embrace the family part.
Drake: Not with Sophie, though.
PND: No, not her.
Drake: Hmm, I know who to call.

*Drake takes his phone back from Adonis and wipes the spit off with his OVO shirt. He makes a phone call and waits pensively.*

Drake: Yo, Fewch. What's good, broski?
Future: Shit, nigga. Sipping muddy allat shit youknowmahwave nigga.
Drake: Ay man, I wanted to ask for advice.
Future: About bitches?
Drake: . . . Technically. About kids.
Future: I don't know shit about kids, man.
Drake: That's it. Teach me how to not care.
Future: Care about what?
Drake: My kid.
Future: You got a kid?
Drake: Yes. I. . . You didn't listen to Scorpion?
Future: Nigga how imagihyou advice about kids?
Drake: Because you have kids.
Future: Oh, shit. . . Heh. . . Yeah, sometimes. Shit, nigga, I don't know. I be sending money to em, they mamas leave me alone, shit go swimmingly. A nigga be swimming.
Drake: So basically what I've been doing?
Future: You be rapping about him and shit though. You dug a hole. Shoulda ignored it.
Drake: Drat.
Future: Yeah, you need to goan head raise him. Khaled do that shit, it look fun.
Drake: You know what, Khaled and Asahd do have fun.

*Drake looks at his son like he's a puppy or something*

Drake: You're right, man. Ima talk to you later.
Future: Don't rush.

*Drake hangs up his phone and picks his son up. He examines him like he just took him out of the packaging*

Drake: I'm a dad, you guys.
PND: Nigga, we knew since last year.
Drake: Yeah, but this time Im for real real. Not for play play.
Drake: 40, get some beats ready, I think that's gonna be a song.

*Drake's phone buzzes in his pocket and he answers it without looking*

Drake: The radiant owl of the six, at your service.
Pusha T: "I'm light-skinned but I'm still a dark nigga"? Really, Aubrey?
Drake: Terrence. I can't believe you called before paying my invoice.
Pusha T: I wanted to congratulate you on your new album. You showed so much growth. You've matured. I bet your holding your son right now.

*Drake hands Adonis to PartyNextDoor*

Drake: I wish, but I'm too busy embracing success. I see your recent hug with success was quite brief. What was it called? Indy 500?
Pusha T: That's adorable. Anyway, Kanye wanted to know if you're still sending those reference tracks over.
Drake: For "Calabasas Angels" and "Russell Simmons is Innocent"? Yeah, I'm sending them.
Pusha T: He's not really gonna name it that. The Russell Simmon one.
Drake: Those were the file names.
Pusha T: Eughck. But in a bad way. Look, man. No hard feelings with the Adidon thing but Adidas is for GOOD Music. You should go to Under Armour or some shit.
Drake: Are you serious?
Pusha T: It's not chess, it's jenga.
Drake: That doesn't even make. . . You know what, just tell me one thing: How did you find out about it?
Pusha T: Oh, your boy Abel told me everything.
Drake: Wow. Where do you even see him?
Pusha T: You could say we share common interests. We have a mutually beneficial friendship. La cosa nostra. Mi casa su casa. Medellin. Colombia. Uruguay. Oaxaca.
Drake: Yes, coke, I get it.
Pusha T: It was nice chatting with you, Adonis Sr. but I have a label to run. Valee just got asked for 37 new features and Desiigner is shooting a video in an abandoned toys r us.
Drake: Aw, man, remember when people cared about your features? They would be like "Oh, man, I wonder what this verse will be about!"
Pusha T: Go change your bastard.

*Pusha T hangs up in Drake's ear. Drake makes an angry Amy Poehler face at the phone*

Drake: Virginia Williams!
40: I don't think he heard you.
Drake: Please tell me what else you think, Noah. Since we're sharing thoughts, please give me more of them.
PND: So. . . I kinda want to hear that Russell Simmons joint.
Drake: . . . No you don't. I promise.