Astro Roast

Aries People Are Insufferable Babies Who Need to Learn to Chill

Aries is the sign of the ram, and those who were born under it will obsessively butt their heads into whatever stands in their path with no regards for decency or propriety.
March 29, 2018, 5:47pm
Illustration by Asli Yazan 

Astro Roast is a column in which astrologer Danny Larkin drags each sign, but affectionately!!

Aries people like to fight. But many don’t fight well or as effectively as they could. Most Aries can win a shouting match or some other minor battle, but these victories are fleeting, as they leave everyone so burnt out and angry that they make problems worse for poor Aries.

In Latin, Aries means ram. And there is something definitely “rammy”—yes, I know that’s not really a word—about individuals born in Aries season. Many of us are too urbane to intimately know how rams act in the wild. But you see, rams like to ram each other. That’s why it’s called ramming. Not to get all Animal Planet, but watch these rams butting heads. Aries like to charge ahead and ram with their big horns, and they can often come off as assholes by being so quick to charge into a fight.

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Most Aries, by the way, have something they are insufferably and delusionally proud of. Don’t try to call them on it. Just smile at them, tell them how beautiful their horns are, and pray someone else changes the topic.

Now, this is a bit technical but it’s important: The Sun enters Aries just after the spring equinox in the northern hemisphere, which is around March 20. The equinox is the moment where day and night are equal. More light means more heat, which triggers spring. As such, Aries is imbued with the energy of early spring. Many of us are too hip to understand gardening. Dirt soils the outfits we wrecked our credit scores to buy. But it’s admirable how ballsy crocuses are—blooming first, before anyone else in the flower bed. Like crocuses, Aries are pioneers; they get there first. But they can also be arrogant about it. Aries people will yell at others for not having the latest fashion trends, the most current software, the latest gossip, the cutting edge designer drug, or knowing about the newest bar.

Aries people prone to wailing and screaming incomprehensibly. And the rest of us are like, Maybe it’s time to start learning how to use your words?

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac—in other words, the baby. Like a baby, Aries individuals can be huge crybabies when they don’t get what they want, and they have to constantly be the center of attention. They’re prone to wailing and screaming incomprehensibly. And the rest of us are like, Maybe it’s time to start learning how to use your words?

Aries people struggle with patience. Now, I know crocuses are cute, but we all know they aren’t in the same league as roses. Roses don’t bloom in early March because it takes more time to grow a beautiful complex flower, along with some thorns to protect it. Aries get impatient with “rose” projects that take the time complexity requires. Many Aries individuals struggle to finish the big projects they start. They can also get jealous of those who are willing to do the hard, time-consuming work they refuse to do.

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Aries is totally the sign of spring fever. It cannot be overstated how horny Aries gets. And, yes, it must be said: Aries can be great in bed. Unfortunately for their partners, however, Aries’ favorite proverb is All is fair in love and war. Aries people can immediately lose interest in a relationship if their sexual needs aren’t being met, and they have no problem being assholes about it. Aries indivduals are also quick to get fired up over nothing, frequently picking fights with lovers over dumb shit.

Many Aries people have anger management problems; their drive to get riled up and raise hell is simply too strong. When faced with a situation they deem unfair—and there are many of these—Aries individuals tend to explode. (To their credit, there are a great many people in our workplaces, our circles of friends, and our families that deserve to be called out for their mediocrity and selfishness, and many of us keep a straight face but secretly smile on the inside as we watch an Aries call someone on their shit.)

But alas, most people don’t listen in a nuanced way when being screamed at by an Aries. Seldom does their target leave that fiery confrontation struck by a sudden urge to take responsibility for their problems. Instead, they decide that Aries is a jerk, take a stiff drink, and forget about what was said. Because, you know, people don’t really listen so well when you ram ahead, completely degrading and humiliating them. Aries people often learn the value of diplomacy the hard way.

No one doubts that Aries people have an incredible amount of energy. But they have their work cut out for them—to ram or not to ram, that is the question. Learning the power of holding back pays dividends. So does strategizing to win the war instead of picking fights that won’t matter in two weeks. So, Aries: Learn the value of patience, recognize that life often isn’t fair or perfect, focus on the big picture, and plot carefully to win. It’s time to be more than a wild animal or a crybaby.

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