April Fool's Day is bullshit. For starters, pranks are generally bad and mean—but the absolute worst part of this hellstorm we call a holiday is the flood of godawful branded jokes. Clip-on man buns by ASOS! Hunter boots for dogs! Fake Gmail features that got real people fired! They're ubiquitous now, and they're all dumb as hell.
This year brought a new slew of shitty stunts, from Pizza Hut's delivery lane to some kind of disgusting McDonald's milkshake flavor goo, and they were all as groan-inducing and un-fun as last year's crop. But one stood out from the crowd as the dumbest and unfunniest of all the dumb and un-funny branded gags. We are deeply, deeply sorry to inflict this upon you, but please, share in our pain. Here is Hasbro's attempt at humor:
"It’s no guaccident that the avocado was chosen to replace the carby potato," Hasbro wrote in a statement. "Hasbro has announced that Mr. Potato Head will no longer be a star carb character and will be replaced with his soon to be Insta-famous rival, Mr. Avo Head."
Do you see that beard, that hair, those chunky glasses? The faux-Beats headphones? The knockoff Converse? Do you get what is happening here? Of course you do, because they are beating us over the head with it. Yes, Hasbro is trying to roast [tightens _suspenders, pushes up glasses_] "hip millennials" and, yes, they are doing a supremely bad job.
"True to character, the healthy, hipster Mr. Avo Head will sport a man bun and well-groomed beard, trendy sneakers, skinny jeans and will be listening to all the latest beats (which you won’t have heard yet) on his oversized headphones—all removable and interchangeable of course," the statement reads. "If this is wrong, I don’t want to be ripe!"
Egregious pun aside, this is wrong. Very, very wrong. Where do you even start poking holes in this? The outdated 2011-era hipster cliché? The criminally overused avocado bit? These jokes are as stale as Elon Musk's Harambe references. At least give us some more cutting-edge satire, Hasbro. A Mr. Scumbro Head, perhaps? Or some kind of Chalamet Head with interchangable haircuts?
You can do better than this, Hasbro. You are the company responsible for the single greatest and most terrifying video ever posted to Facebook Live—a two-minute clip that still haunts the American psyche, years after its release. If you insist on taking part in the nightmare that is April Fool's Day now, at least do it right.
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