We all want to know what celebrities are really like—how they think, and talk, and act when the cameras are off, the tape recorders are put away, and they put down their guards, allowing them to function as human beings instead of highly trained PR machines. Alas, unless you, too, are unbelievably rich and famous, there's virtually no chance you'll ever see that side of a star—which is what made the idea of Playboy's new cover story so exciting. Travis Scott interviewed Kylie Jenner for what the magazine promised would be "an intimate glimpse into the life of the 22-year-old mogul."
Unfortunately, the interview wound up sounding like a conversation between two robots, run through Google translate from a foreign language, and carefully edited to be as uninteresting—or, alternatively, as viscerally discomforting—as possible.
The "interview" is largely comprised of "questions" that are the equivalent of an underhand wiffle-ball pitch from five feet away, none of which stand a remote chance of giving us an "intimate glimpse" of anything. For example:
SCOTT: I would definitely say you’ve broken boundaries as a celebrity who is also a mogul. Would you agree?
JENNER: Yes, but I still have miles to go. But I am really proud of myself for the things I’ve accomplished and worked hard for.
See also: this Normal and Human question, phrased in a Normal and Human way.
SCOTT: It doesn’t really feel like you’re done yet with expanding your brand. I overheard you talking the other day. Were you talking about wines and linens?
SCOTT: When I need to bounce new ideas off of someone, I always know I can go to you. Do you feel the same about me?
JENNER: I definitely come to you!
About halfway through the interview, things rapidly escalate from unbearably milquetoast to "please smite me God, and put an end to the deep, deep discomfort racking my bones" when Scott and Jenner start talking about doing it. Brace yourselves:
SCOTT: A lot of people claim that having a baby can hurt your sex life, but I feel like that’s the opposite of our experience.
JENNER: Yeah, I feel like we’ve definitely proven that rumor to be wrong. [laughs]
In other words: We fuck—and it's great! Haha!
SCOTT: And the way you embrace your sexuality hasn’t changed with motherhood either. Do you feel like I empower you to own your identity and sexuality as a mom?
JENNER: You remind me that motherhood and sexuality can coexist and just because you embrace your sexuality doesn’t mean you have loose morals or you’re not a good mother. You can be sexy and still be a badass mom.
Do you feel like I empower you to own your identity and sexuality as a mom: Could you imagine uttering these words?!?
I don't even know what to say about this next part, because—no matter how many times I have read it—I can't seem to make it make sense in my brain, which, at this point, has degenerated into a pile of mush.
SCOTT: On your Instagram, you talked recently about self-care and admitted that the image you present to the world just scrapes the surface. What made you want to write that and how did that advice come to you?
JENNER: I actually just love writing and putting together words, so when I got into my emotions, I was just writing in my notes and I sent it to one of my best friends and said, “I just wrote this. Do you think I should put it as my caption?” And she said, “I just cried. You need to post this.” So she kind of encouraged me to post it. Writing just helps me feel better and express myself.
This is, apparently, as intimate a portrait as we will ever get of the world's youngest billionaire. This is the best we can do. Time to log off and never log back on.
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