My iPhone is mostly destroyed. In fact, the glass on it is so mangled and shattered that I’ve cut myself on it three times. Obviously I need a new phone, but do I give a shit about the iPhone 4S? Only sort of.
Here’s the thing: I have the 4. A fine toy. But every damn second I’m alive it feels like I’m expected to guess “what’s next” when it comes to Apple and their maelstrom of commodities made just for me and my wildest dreams. It’s like, kill me already. I’m watching the live stream of this Apple event right now and my palms are starting to sweat. You know what that means? Panic attack time. I’ll be struggling to catch my breath any minute now. Why? Because there’s clearly no end in sight when it comes to Apple, despite the fact that Steve Jobs, sadly, will probably not be alive for much longer. Apple doesn’t even need Steve anymore. They have a whole family of plainly-dressed spokesyuppies to sell their products.
You can learn everything you need to know about the iPhone 4S and the other crap you forgot was also going to be mentioned in Cupertino today all over the Internet and in this live streaming video on CNN, but I’m suggesting you don’t. Instead, why not try one or all of the following five—sorry, 4S things:
1: Occupy Wall Street
People are conflicted about #OWS. It seems you either think it’s cool or you think it’s stupid as hell. Either way, a lot of people don’t even know what it’s about and many people are using it as an excuse to go bananas, have a laugh and get arrested. The following video is pretty funny though.
2: Go Apple Picking (No, Not Like iPhone Apple)
Autumn: It would appear to be officially here. What better way to celebrate the slow introduction to the hellish winter months than by reveling in the comforts of fall. Hayrides and scarecrow building are fun, but can cause itching. Why not go apple picking with a girl or guy you’re into, bake a pie with them and struggle to not make an outdated joke referencing American Pie that you secretly hope will “heat things up” and turn kitchen time to bedroom time. Rawr.
3: Quit Your Job
Face it, your job sucks. You’re spending too much time enjoying your health insurance and regular paychecks to get your solo music career off the ground. If you don’t hurry up, you’ll miss the boat on the next wave of sonic bullcrap, subgenre’d to the point of total obscurity. With no job, you’ll be able to eat more lettuce sandwiches and spend time with your roommate’s cats. They’re so fluffy, you’ll never be alone again. When your girlfriend or boyfriend dumps you, consider asking a crush to go apple picking, which is free if you eat the apples while you’re picking them. You should do that, by the way. Paying to go apple picking is like paying to be a slave, the owners of whatever farm you’re apple picking at are laughing their asses off watching you spend your money to do work for them.
4: Watch Trailers For Movies
If Apple has done anything right it’s their movie trailers website. I don’t know why they don’t brag about it at all. You don’t have to be a heavy pot smoker to get lost on this website for hours. I like to go through and plan what I’m going to watch in order before watching anything at all. It’s pretty overwhelming and a lot of movies have bush-league titles, so you’ve got to kind of judge a book by its cover with this shit.
S: Get A Job
Come on, surely there’s something better to do than to care about a phone, a cloud, an iWatch, and whatever other crap we just found out about. And that better thing to do is get a job. Get a job doing anything, because it’s getting colder than the Devil’s shadow out there and there ain’t no app for staying warm.