This article originally appeared on VICE Canada
There is no genre of music I hate more than Christmas music. It's sappy, annoying, overly reliant on the musical charm of bells and creepily religious. Like it's 2016. Just because I'm in the mall buying multiple copies of the same book for all of my loved ones doesn't mean I need to hear about how God's baby has come to bless all of us sinners.
But I know that I am in the minority on this. The closer we get to the holidays the more people feel comfortable, at work or while preparing dinner, with listening to Christmas music for hours on end until I get snow blindness in my ears. Well I decided no more. I will not take this lying down so I made a list of what your favorite shitty Christmas song says about your shitty self and I hope all my fellow yuletide haters can enjoy this little bit of holiday bile.
Deck The Halls
You will celebrate Christmas morning the same way you did last year: by having to lie down in the shower.
Here Comes Santa Claus
You are a really into Santa-as-a-badass-barbarian cosplay.
You think that as long as it's a man and woman, it's perfectly fine and normal to be married by a snowman.
I'll Be Home For Christmas
Sometimes you go to the airport and watch newly reunited people embrace in the Arrivals area until security asks you to leave.
The Christmas Song ("Chestnuts Roasting on…")
Nobody ever wants to try the chestnut and chevre appies you bring to Christmas parties and you laugh it off and call them all Scrooges but deep down it hurts.
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
You think evolution is just one theory among many.
You describe any baby you meet as 'tender and mild' and it's discomforting to the parents.
Your death will involve a fatal mixture of Red Bulls, vodka and tobogganing.
Joy To The World
If your worthless, unappreciative sons buy you one more candle as a present, you are getting a bottle of wine, a hotel room downtown and they can figure out how to cook a fucking turkey themselves.
O Come All Ye Faithful
Your secret Santa gift is always a charitable donation in the person you got's name.
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas
You have spent thousands of dollars on designer long johns.
Hallelujah Chorus From The Messiah
You have thrown up in the bathroom at a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert before.
You don't think Steve Bannon is racist, just provocative.
O Holy Night
You are a pedophile hunter.
Fairytale of New York
You are very cool and pierce your own ears.
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
You spent all last night trying to take a selfie with your dog wearing fake reindeer antlers but your dog kept knocking them off his head and you got so frustrated you started crying and that's been happening a lot lately.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you can't make this a key party.
The Little Drummer Boy
You give everyone in your family twenty bucks in an envelope. No card just the cash.
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
You haven't been the same since Clarence Clemons died.
The First Noel
You are a monster that has fancy house parties and pause them in the middle to make your guests watch your son sing his original songs on an acoustic guitar.
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Your year began falling apart when you had to cancel the Magic The Gathering tournament at your house due to a lack of attendance.
Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
You are a very fun mom and last year you completely forgot to buy any presents for one of your sons.
Do You Hear What I Hear
When you watch a movie with other people you always ask them to explain things in the plot that the movie hasn't explained yet.
Let It Snow
Whenever it's an unseasonably warm winter day you can't help but bum people out by saying, "Sure it's nice out but that's because we're all straight fucked man."
A Holly Jolly Christmas
Sometimes you let somebody have a sip of your eggnog and they go, "Jesus Gene, is there any nog in that thing?" and you both laugh but for a second you see the worry in their eyes and now you can't stop thinking about it.
Frosty The Snowman
You bought some cigars to celebrate the holidays but had no idea how big a commitment they are. Seriously this thing is going to take like half an hour to smoke and it's freezing out, what the fuck are we doing?
Jingle Bell Rock
Your favourite places to eat are authentically grungy diners that used to be scary but then got new owners and are now filled with beautiful people eating chorizo.
You think the best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill.
You've teared up before at the mall's Christmas decorations.
12 Days of Christmas
You are in a viciously codependent relationship.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
You have a plan. Your crush is coming to a holiday party at your place. You got mistletoe everywhere and eventually the two of you will be standing under it and you'll sheepishly tilt your head up toward it. Then you will shyly kiss and she'll see that what she has been looking for this whole time has been standing there in front of her all along.
All I Want For Christmas Is You
You are right. This is the best one.
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