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I Hate Super Bowl Commercials

As a Canadian, all the fun of Super Bowl commercials is gone since the CRTC hijacks the airwaves with crappier and cheaper television ads. But even then, why care so much about commercials in the first place?
February 1, 2013, 3:39pm

The infamously terrible Go Daddy Super Bowl commercial.

Every category of thing does not need to be ranked. Especially if that category of thing inherently sucks.

Please, for the improvement of humanity, we need to stop ranking Superbowl commercials. Picking the best Superbowl commercial is like picking the best catheter. Maybe one leaks the least, but it's still a tube in your dickhole. There is no such thing as a “best” commercial, just as there is no “best” tube in your dickhole, or Judas Priest album, or plague. There is only “the least bad,” which shouldn't be of any interest to anyone.

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These lists happens every year. Some dingus on every single news website will rank the Superbowl ads. In fact, it's gotten to the point where this exists.

There are people here (in Canada) who will see ordinary commercials on Canadian television, and go online to spend real minutes of their life watching the American commercials that they didn't “get to watch” and people will stream American broadcasts of the game online so others don't “miss out.”

Commercials exist so that, when I'm at my parents' house, I can sit on my ass and watch two hours of Seinfeld, essentially for free, because my parents pay their cable bill.

If there were a commercial that was thirty seconds of me eating a plate of nachos while getting a beej from Paulina Gretzky, with an Allstate insurance logo for a twelfth of a second at the end, I would still hate it. Why? Because there's a fucking Allstate logo at the end! I’d then associate nachos and blowjobs with paying for car insurance and I’d have to reconcile my erotically-charged urge to buy car insurance with the fact that I don't even have a drivers' license.

"Hello. What is up?"

To be fair, Superbowl commercials are significantly more entertaining than whatever plays during weekday cable reality-showreruns. But commercials should not be considered the entertainment itself. If you actually like football, the game is should be the entertainment and the commercials are just a necessary annoyance. If you like both the football and commercials, I don't respect you. You don't have to care that I don't respect you. But that's the way it's going to be between us.

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So why the fuck does someone who doesn't like football even bother watching the Superbowl, when they can spend their night happily not watching both football and commercials?

The first explanation is that they don't want to feel excluded from a decadent American spectacle. But that still doesn't make sense because I think football sucks. I don't like watching it. I even actively dislike hearing people talk about it. I dislike it so much, in fact, that I don't watch the Superbowl. I do literally anything else. Maybe I'll do some hot yoga. Maybe I'll catch up on Downton Abbey like a boss. Maybe I'll impress a girl by “giving up” the Superbowl to take her out on a date. Who cares. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. Plus, if you really want, there is always a decadent American spectacle for you to participate in, if you have the determination to find one.

I propose that we replace all commercial time with live footage of a full-length Destiny's Child reunion concert. Or that Beyonce just sing all the commercial jingles with her golden voice. Also, that she “accidentally” flash her buttcheek. The last football sex scandal was the mental image of Rex Ryan licking his wife's toes. Bleurgh.

So can we please stop ranking things that suck-ass? And can everyone who doesn't like football put their heads together and come up with something more awesome to do than watch the Superbowl?

Oh, wait. They already did.

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Follow Noah on Twitter: @noahtavlin

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