The Best Back-to-School Products for Evangelical Christian Kids

What kind of prepubescent, budding young child would buy in to joining a religion that denies them from participating in masturbation, sex, pornography, curse words, and Harry Potter? Why, the kind who is into really cool pens, obviously. Turns out the evangelical game is getting so dire, that the righteous must resort to beginner-level magic tricks in order to get young ones to ask, who the hell is this Jesus guy?

Just in time for the new school year, e3 Resources—the same people who brought you the EvangeCube seen above—released a hot new line of gospel disguised as plain old school trinkets.

Here's what I imagine is their desired scenario with these products:

The bell just rang, class is officially in session. As the students settle in, Ms. Pratt announces that there's a pop quiz. The crowd of sixth graders groan, but give in to their impending doom. Near the back of the class Timmy asks his neighbor Geoffrey if he can borrow a pen. “Sorry, but do you mind? I left all my pens at home again. Can you believe it?”

Geoffrey looks up toward the sky and gives a knowing smile to his main man, Jesus Christ. “Sure pal, you can borrow this pen right here.”

He hands over to Timmy a seemingly normal black pen. Timmy attempts to jot down his name on the blank sheet of paper, but soon finds that the pen is too bulky and uncomfortable to actually write with. He inspects the pen further, and notices a thin tube protruding from the pen's side. Being a curious pre-teen, he tugs on the tube and out pours a world of glorious biblical imagery.

Geoffrey pulls out a small comb from his pants pocket. As he brushes down on the two sides of his perfectly symmetrical middle part he says to Timmy, “Pretty cool right?”

Fast forward a solid ten minutes that feels like hours. Timmy has absorbed a world of knowledge. Sure, both he and Geoffrey failed the pop quiz, but they aced eternal salvation.

Are you finding this scenario too hard to believe? This must be because pens are not really your thing. Well how about the "Children's & Teens Scripture Prayer Guide," or an evangelical soccer ball known as the EvangeBall?

Better yet, how about the more compact and portable eCube Grip? A small, yet powerful piece of plastic that you can clip onto most anything. As the maker (e3, not God) describes: “Great for backpacks and to raise questions that lead to sharing Jesus with others.” The eCube Grip, which comes in four different colors, frames a picture of Jesus and God holding hands, or possibly shaking hands? It looks as if they are confirming some sort of business transaction, but I'm sure it's something holy going on that I know nothing about.

Are the products available at e3 Resources not really your thing? Don't fret. There are plenty more evangelical companies around that want you to sport some sweet Jesus gear. Take Kerusso, Inc.—another company devoted solely to promoting gospel and making money. Their whole angle is, isn't awkward to bring up Jesus to unbelievers sometimes? As they write on their site, “A Kerusso notebook, folder or journal can act as a great icebreaker when it comes to sharing your testimony with others. Just by simply setting down your notebook or folder on the desk and letting the message that is printed on it catch the eye of someone could be just the thing to get a life-changing moment under way.”

You might think that I am against these products, but actually I feel that every child should own one of these. If not for their love of Jesus, then for learning the fundamentals of salesmanship which are: deception and annoyance. Every good salesman knows that to prey on the weak and innocent is crucial to success. Distract them with fun products that look familiar to them, yet have a little trick up their sleeve. Don't just pitch one simple gadget, pitch a lifestyle. Talk incessantly about the great rewards to come if they just buy into what you got in store for them. Your victim will be either totally convinced, or so annoyed by your endless yammering that they'll give in to some extent. This is exactly how I came to buy four different Angry Birds iPhone cases at mall kiosks.

@JustAboutGlad

For more on Christian stuff:

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Satanists Turned the Founder of the Westboro Baptist Church Gay

Kirk Cameron Wrote the Bible