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The The West is the Best Issue

Not Fit To Print

Some of the worst pitches we have ever heard including pubic hair, mafia squirrels and dog-fucking.
December 1, 2003, 12:00am

This Philly artist decided Seagram’s billboards were no longer fit to print. Photo by Kelly Clark.

This was handed out by some angry young man at a Sleater-Kinney show.

Dear Mistress Akira

My dream has always been to serve a Mistress in a heavy facesitting session. I tried this once with my ex-girlfriend and I liked it a lot. However, I have never served a real Mistress. I assume it will be a little bit different. It’s an ordinary face-sitting session with a few add-ons. You will wear very tight soft pants during the session. I’d like to be tied up completely, laying down on a table completely immobilized, so you can have absolute control over me. I’m fully aware that I cannot last under Mistress’ full weight for more than 60 seconds perhaps. I am not too much interested in the duration I will be under your bottoms. My primary interest is to feel Mistress’ full weight on my slave’s face. That’s the ultimate indulgence for me; feeling every pound of Mistress through your beautiful ASS placed on my slave’s face.

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Before you sit on my slave’s face you will order me to open my mouth as wide as possible. You will then, especially in a forward face-sitting position, slowly place your Goddess’ ASS over my face. You will cover my face completely with your ASS. Ideally, your ANUS will align with my mouth and seal it completely. At this stage I can still breathe and you are only ensuring that my face is covered 100%. When feeling comfortably you will lift your legs from the ground. This will place all your weight on my face through your ASS. Since your ANUS will be sealing my mouth, wide open, I would like you to FART in this position as much as you can. I would like to inhale every atom of your perfume. With so much weight on my face and my mouth sealed, I do not think any atom of your perfume can end up anywhere else but in my mouth. This is the ultimate pleasure in male’s slavery.

At least his sexual proclivities are with humans. The following was pitched as “The VICE Guide to Fucking Dogs.” Prepare to barf…

Hi, my name is Erica and I am writing the how-to guide for all the women out there that have been considering engaging in canine-human sex but were unsure of just how to go about it and those women who would like to enjoy it more.

I consider myself an expert on the subject, as I have been practicing it for over the past twenty years. In that time I have made love with hundreds of dogs and have found many exciting and satisfying methods. I have also introduced many other women and several men to the pleasures of canine sex. I hope that this how-to guide will help you enjoy your love making more.

There are three areas that I will cover in the guide, and they are: Oral sex, Vaginal sex and Anal sex.

Actually, you know what? Fuck this. This piece is one of the few things on earth that deserves censorship. During the part we cut out, for example, she goes on about this thing at the base of its dick called “the knot” and explains how, though you can get stuck with him for a few hours, it provides an orgasm that cannot be matched. If you really want to see the rest I guess you can email us and we’ll send it, but holy fuck. The moral of the story is we have some real fucking disgusting lunatics over on our side of the Pacific.