FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Stuff

It's Time to Modernise British Parliament

The problem with the British political system is that it is full of people you would never want to meet who make laws about people they would never want to meet

The problem with the British political system is that it is full of people you would never want to meet who make laws about people they would never want to meet, and even the people who do meet each other really, really hate each other. So Nick Clegg wants to abolish today's Queen's Speech, and instead have a Congress of the People for 100 days to draft a new constitution. Well, that's not even gonna come close to solving the sort of Bakewell Tart of old fuckedness in which the nation is presently charbroiled. Move aside, Nick. We've had a think, and come up with some better schemes to remodel Britain's battered democracy.

Advertisement

Parliament
The chambers need most urgent reform. From now on, there will be four, not two, legislatures:

1. The House of Lords
To break up the monotony of endless tedious speeches in the House of Lords, every fourth appointment to the chamber must be a pantomime dame. Peers will be encouraged to snigger at any mention of firmness, rigidity or other smutty innuendo. David Dimbleby will be ennobled, but will only be allowed to speak if all his sentences include the word 'shitmuncher'. Also, peers will be required to refer to Roy of the Rovers as though he is a real person and lavish praise on his footballing exploits during debates.

2. The House of Cards
Packed with the nation's premier sharp-talking charmers, The House of Cards will be a place where debonair wit mixes with rakish charm in a clubby but convivial atmosphere.

3. The House of Fraser
Selling upmarket leather goods from within the Palace of Westminster, the House of Fraser would play a vital role in our revitalised democracy.

4. The House of Commons
This will be basically the same. But so that the general public can be more familiar with the political process, each party will be required to dress in their team colours. Tories will wear blue and bowler hats, and be required to preface every statement with, "I say I say". In the red corner, Labour will be forced to wear cloth caps and preface every statement with, "Ey up, lad". The Lib Dems will wear orange and be required to start every sentence with, "Well, I read in the Independent that…"

Advertisement

The Speaker
To end the present undignified shouting match and promote discipline in Parliament, the Speaker will be given a megaphone, and a taser on a very long ceremonial stick. To aid the use of the taser, MPs will be required to keep their feet in at least two inches of water at all times. After the evening recess, there will be a second Speaker, the After-dinner Speaker, who will tell amusing anecdotes about his days playing international rugby while chairing debates. Additionally, Black Rod's role will be revised, and in keeping with this, he will now be known as Big Black Dildo.

Media Interference
To stop him clogging up the Sun, Sky and the Times with his political views, Rupert Murdoch will be given a direct line to an earpiece worn by the Prime Minister, via which he can personally 'coach the big fella, much like a rolling news editor would instruct a news anchor.

Expenses
In the light of the shameful recent scandal, to reconnect democracy with the people, every ten or twenty pound note issued to an MP on expenses will have the name and address of the taxpayer it came from attached. Taxpayers will be able to log on to a special website, where they will see what their money was spent on. Eg.: "Mr Middleton of Yarmouth – £10 towards a new shower curtain for Harriet Harman". "Mr Greenberg of Finchley – £10 towards a toaster for David Davis". And so on.

Improving procedures
To encourage democratic participation, the public must be given good reasons to watch otherwise boring parliamentary debates. Therefore, as MPs file into the lobbies to vote, there will be gladiators placed at the entrances who will be aiming to prevent them from entering. Only MPs who have wrestled their way past these musclebound warriors will have their votes counted. However, to promote fairness, and combat cheating on the part of MPs, Labour and Tory locker rooms will be regularly searched for signs of steroid abuse.

To encourage the most bovine sections of the population to pay attention to politics, Peter Andre will be promoted to the role of Secretary of State For Abs.

To provide more value from the instruments of the state for taxpayers, on Saturday nights a special taxpayer lottery will be held. Bonus-ball holders will be entered into a special draw, with the prize on offer being a chance to shag the Queen.

If those rules don’t revitalise the political climate then that was just a plain waste of time.