FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

The Brutality Report - The Entire State Of Florida

Floridians: don't act all surprised and hurt. We know that you know that the rest of humanity is completely terrified of your state. I don't mean we're scared of you for being badasses, although some of you very much are. We're scared of your state because it is a violent, dong-shaped netherworld of grifters, drug smugglers, gun runners, swamp nazis, hobo killers, killer hobos, elder abusers, kidnappers, skinhead tweakers, sex maniacs, escaped prisoners, grave robbers and steakfuckers. Yes, steakfuckers. Guys that fuck steaks. Usually in the parking lot of the very supermarket they purchased the steak from. Ever see some dude standing behind a dumpster, grunting and shuddering? That man is a steakfucker. Your state, Florida, invented those guys.

Advertisement

I've been to Florida eight times, if you count one long layover at the Miami airport, which I totally do. So I feel like this is an informed opinion. I know some sweet, upstanding people from the state. I feel bad that they live where they do. I want to help them. But how? I don't even know how to raise the subject without seeming rude. I guess I could email them a link to this column, but that feels a little out-of-the-blue. A little gauche. There really needs to be a Hallmark card one can send a buddy who is trapped in an abusive relationship with a 65,000-square-mile peninsular land mass.

Here's a scary fact: Did you know that 29 million people go missing in Florida every year? That is a completely real statistic. For Pete's sake, the motto on the state's license plate is A GREAT PLACE TO VANISH IN. You can't make this stuff up, folks. There's a reason every awesome punk group in the 1980s was terrified of touring there.

Remember JFA? They went to Florida in '86 and never came back. I think the cops found the singer's rib cage ten years later. Perhaps the state was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. But that would only explain the persistence of evil within state lines. It does nothing to explain Florida's direct connection to every evil thing that ever happens anywhere on the planet.

If that sounds exaggerated, consider the evidence. What other state could single-handedly produce such diverse spiritual carcinogens as Against Me, Backstreet Boys, Creed, Limp Bizkit, 'N Sync and Carrot Top? There's a reason Ted Bundy, LeBron James and OJ Simpson all settled down in Florida. All those shrieking jerk-offs holding protests over Elian Gonzalez and Terri Schiavo? That was in Florida. Casey Anthony, Rush Limbaugh and Aileen Wournos? Florida. Remember the 2000 election? Al Gore won that one. But then, oops, Florida occurred, and Bush somehow won. Which makes Florida directly responsible for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. What other states can claim two wars in three years?

Advertisement

Here's the problem: Lured by Disneyworld and the Keys, we Americans made a deal with Florida back in 1845. The deal was, Florida let us handle currency, tariffs, foreign policy and national defence. In return, we agreed to not erect a 50-foot containment wall from Jacksonville to Pensacola. A deal's a deal. You could say we're like family now, but that's not really the right analogy. Florida is more like bad feedback on an eBay account, or an asterisk on a naughty baseball player's record. It's a big fat blemish we'll never shake.

That's bad news for us, but good news for all you Floridians: emigration is always an option. You have nowhere to go but up!

SAM MCHPEETERS

Sam McPheeters on Twitter

Previously: You guys are all assholes