You Were Right: Burlesque Sucks

If you think burlesque is the realm of people who just replaced their Good Charlotte poster with an Audrey Hepburn one or chubby Time Out readers who are too shy to get actually naked, you're wrong. Apparently burlesque is a super serious and important artform that can be enjoyed by ANYONE. To celebrate this and the fact that the movie Burlesque is about to come out on DVD, I was invited to take part in a burlesque workshop at the London Burlesque Academy.

The lady on the left is Jo King (no, I’m not), she was given the arduous task of instructing me how to ‘be burlesque’. She has another name though – Goodtime Mama JoJo (hearing this sent a chill down my spine). An industry veteran, her career began in London’s cabaret clubs thirty-years ago. Described as a ‘burlesque legend’, apparently we have her to thank for the current trend of pretending you’re a sket from the 1940s. She also reckons she invented the idea of stripper schools too, but as a bad businesswoman, never managed to expand beyond the one that she currently runs. Apparently over 10,000 people have benefited from her knowledge, attending lessons that empower and ‘celebrate the magnificence’ of being a woman. She set up the academy after ‘realising the therapeutic nature of her craft’. Therapeutic? MORE LIKE TERRORPEUTIC, etc.

That's me in the black. The prospect of having my ‘inner showgirl’ liberated had created a force field of doom around me. I had spent all day feeling like I was going to throw up and when I arrived at the dance studio the nausea levels skyrocketed. Especially when I realised this was going to be the first PR event in history to not have free booze and I was going to have to do this stone-cold sober. “It’s a physical impossibility to be too sexy,” drawled Jo, “believe me. I’ve tried.” I am many things, but sexy I am not. Especially when wearing a pair of high heels and looking at myself in a full-length mirror, my face contorted by a vacant rictus.

But before the wiggling and sashaying could begin, I had to look the part (and sign this hilarious waiver).

Thankfully there were no corsets involved, just an opportunity to use some 1940s make-up. Jo was impressed that I was able to apply mascara without using a mirror. This was to be the only praise I received all evening. When my doll face was ready, it was time to learn the moves. Jo came up behind me and bellowed, “Nobody cares about you except you – get over yourself!” Shit had definitely just got real.

The first thing we were taught was how to touch yourself sexily. The important part is looking at the bit of your body that you’re touching, to keep the audience’s attention. Jo touched herself to demonstrate. “I can make anything fab by looking at it,” she purred, casting her gaze over her fab body.

The other basics we needed to know before the group dance in half an hour’s time included how to walk burlesque-ily. Which, apparently, is different to regular walking. The key is forgetting the boojy way society wants you to walk, and going back to the primal prowl that women had in the good old days, before they had to worry about things like voting and "rights".

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, we were instructed to pull a pose. There were two options – "cheesecake" and "vamp". "Cheesecake" is a cute pose, "vamp" is slutty. I decided to shoot for a pose halfway between the two: "ashamed".

Another low point was being taught how to "shimmy" (shake your tits). Hideous. Even the token gay guy was better at it than me and that dude had two backs. “I don’t believe in barriers EVER. Not in burlesque OR in life,” roared Jo as she prowled around the studio, instructing us to roll our shoulders to make our shimmy even more flirtatious.

We were shown how to grind and bump in a sexy way. I'm 99% sure that Jo claimed she invented grinding; I can’t be too sure as I was trying to master wiggling my arse by making small stamping motions. A little bit of sick came into my mouth.

Finally, we were presented with feather boas ("which you're allowed to keep!") and instructed to stroke them. As you can see, I was pretty stoked. These were the props for the big finale, the dance routine that would combine all of our new skills in a three-minute pocket.

Obviously I was shit. I was out of time and managed to do pretty much everything wrong, even turning the wrong way. My slack performance earned me several sideways glances from our big-bosomed mistress. “I call my boobs Bill and Ben,” she had guffawed at us earlier. “There have been plenty of weeds in between them.”

After doing the dance a second time, It was Jo’s turn to show us how it’s REALLY done, and for some stories about when she performed in Las Vegas, the only Brit invited to a special 'icons of burlesque' show. She wore a pair of pasties that lit up. “I saw Satan’s Angel performing,” she recalled. “It was so beautiful it made me cry.” With such career heights already reached, what is next on the agenda for Goodtime Mama JoJo? She wistfully looked up at the ceiling, eyes sparkling. “I’m thinking of doing a burlesque performance based around the menopause.” Can't wait.

Burlesque is out on Blu-ray and DVD on 25 April, on Sony Pictures Home Entertainment. Christina Aguilera is in it, but she's not as fit as she was a decade ago.

WORDS: KARA SIMSEK
PHOTOS: JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE