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Televisionaries, a Column for People Who Love TV Reviews

This week's TV, reviewed by idiot boxers.

Time Shift: Dear Censor
BBC4
Sunday, 2nd of October
10PM
(Watch it here)
In the 1970s, a canny man ensconced somewhere within the Establishment changed the name of 'the Film Censorship Board' to 'the British Board of Film Classification'. But for all our hyper-permissive wonderworld, they do still censor: just the other week, they banned Human Centipede 2 – thank god! This is an unshowy and well-considered documentary, so rather than meet its subtle argument for the eternal effervescence of liberal values, I will list the cool shit I saw while watching it: a nun wanking a crucifix, faecophilia, rape, more rape, two 'cunts', and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle handling a string of sausages as though they were nunchuks. Watch. Watch. Watch.
8
NUN CHUCKER

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X Factor USA
ITV2
Thursday, 29th of September
8PM
(Watch it here)
Worth watching just to see Cheryl Cole being shrunk to infinity. They've structured it so she's like some guy who got sacked from the office because he couldn't hack it, but felt obliged to work out a week's notice, and so everyone was really nice to him, as though he had some physical disability. “Joined for one final week by Cheryl Cole,” the voiceover says. The voiceover is by X Factor USA host Steve Jones. He can't believe his luck. He gets to stay. “Ah thawt ya wer wundaful,” Cheryl says to some singing hick, in a way that to the likes of you and I suggests she's been burning midnight oil on RP elocution lessons. But to the ears of mallstream America, you sense she might as well be talking in the sound of a fax machine. To watch this is to realise that in hindsight booking an unknown foreign singer with a Geordie-impedement was pure over-exciteable rashness on Cowell's part. He now clearly believes his own hype, and so his Midas touch may be slipping. Let's hope so.
3
THE VOICE OF GEOFF SHREEVES

Fresh Meat
Channel 4
Thursday, 29th of September
10PM
(Watch it here)
In the interviews they've done about their new baby, Peep Show creators Bain and Armstrong have pointed out that no one has done a sitcom about student life since The Young Ones. They can't understand why such fertile ground is so consistently overlooked. Maybe, Sam and Jesse, it's because every comic writer since Chaucer has sat down to turn one out, and then simply vomited up a sickly spew of cliches about cereal, and characters based loosely on people who attended the college they went to, then hastily shoved the script back into their bottom drawer, then equally hastily moved on to something with more ballast. Ben Elton was 23 when he wrote The Young Ones. That was his excuse. Also: he was as much mocking the idea of crass stereotypes as he was exploiting them, whereas Sam and Jesse seem to embrace them. I don't like the woman who says stuff about how she's a sort of radical feminist anarchist. I don't like the token sort of posh guy. Don't like the token Scottish guy who's sort of really blunt. Don't like the normals who are forming a love interest to sort of give the storyline some bass notes. Don't like the other character whose quirk I've not quite worked out yet, but it may be that he's sort of a semi-compulsive liar. In which case, this is sort of great.
5
RIK 'YOU'VE GOT' MAYALL

The Bachelor
Channel 5
Friday, 30th of September
10PM
(Watch it here)
I know I've attempted to garrotte this show already, but Gavin Henson: god he's thick. Seriously. Introspection really is not easy for the unthinking woman’s crumpet. Every time he has to talk to one of his suitors about his feelings, he wears a frown that is like what would happen if you tried to explain string theory to a Sudanese goat herd. This happens often, cos, blessim, he seems to be taking the whole thing very seriously. This week, he got rid of the only Welsh girl left in the contest. Gavin, you idiot: your genitals don't work on non-Welsh girls. Didn't you know that?
4
A NON-WELSH GIRL