Liveblogging The Apocalypse

All times GMT. Tweet your apocalypse updates @viceuk using the hashtag #May21Vice, email kev.kharas@vice.com, or call/text the apocalypse phone on 0757 262 8928.

7pm: Right, that's it, I've been sat in this same fucking chair waiting for the world to end for 12 hours now. As you've seen so far, the Rapture and the apocalypse have so far failed to materialise. The entirety of Russia hasn't quite made it yet, but a load of other countries have already survived Camping's prophecy – will the UK be as lucky? I guess we'll know within the next five hours. If it doesn't, the Christians who sold their houses will be forced to wander the earth in sheepish, bedless flocks, and the rest of us can all get on with our lives until the next time someone old from America predicts the end of days. If it does happen, then whatever species comes after us may one day pluck this liveblog out of the digital airspace, decipher it and it'll go on to become one of the most important documents in human history. And when that happens, and they see my name at the bottom, I will be the new Jesus: thus setting off a chain of events whereby, thousands of years from now, it'll be my doodlings people are scanning for clues as to how and when the world will end.

Wanna know when that's gonna be? The 29th of September, 54063; the day my soul turns 52,052 years old. L8R M8Z!

6:47pm: To the smartarse who just sent a text in saying "It's 6pm EST, NOT 6pm GMT", may I show you the neighs that emerged from the proverbial's mouth: "When the clock says about 6pm, there’s going to be this tremendous earthquake that’s going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison. And the whole world will be alerted that Judgment Day has begun. And then it will follow the sun around for 24 hours. As each area of the world gets to that point of 6pm on May 21, then it will happen there, and until it happens, the rest of the world will be standing far off and witnessing the horrible thing that is happening." (via)

6:39pm: BURMA, THAILAND, CAMBODIA AND A BIT MORE OF RUSSIA SAFE

6:28pm: UPDATE: Earlier reports of Rapture in the Liverpool area appear to be a hoax. Nothing in Birmingham or Stoke yet, either. Was the man who just called claiming the residents of Glasgow were being sucked into a red, infernal sky also lying? Why can't any of you people take this seriously?

6:15pm: Just got off the phone – a man in Liverpool says the sky went black and then all the women and children in his family were slain. He asked for advice. In truth, I wasn't able to volunteer any. At this point, he and his friends collapsed into a panicked chorus of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

6:09pm: Anyone been apocalypsed yet? That last "photo" wasn't really a photo, by the way. Life definitely seems to be continuing as normal in east London:

6:02pm: Incredible scenes in the skies above London:

6:00pm: SHOWTIME!!!

5:58pm: A list of people that Twitter thinks deserve to die in hellfire: Tom Cruise, whoever invented ugg boots, Danny Dyer, Richard Littlejohn, Paolo Nutini and Ed Hardy.

5:52pm: SKYWATCH: The best photo we got was from @Richard_Hunter, who is "acting the big man with a minute to go":

5:51pm: According to @FLORENCE_SW, crowds of believers are gathering in the streets of Deptford singing "We're going to meet the King".

5:42pm: SKYWATCH: send us your photos! (kev.kharas@vice.com)

5:35pm: What's everyone doing tonight, then? A quick ask of Twitter reveals a variety of plans, ranging from PERISHING IN THE FIRES OF HELL (@Norfwud), falling out of a tree most likely lol (@Mr_Retro), curry, funk and soul for a rapturous 30th birthday (@bezukhova) and snorting blow in the shape of a pentagram off a married man's ass (@TomLeCoyte).

5:25pm: SKYWATCH: Oh shit!

5:22pm: Not long to go now. Starting to get some sexy tweets. One guy was mid-ascension but looked down a girl's top on the way up and now his trip's been cancelled. Someone else called "Nay" says "Yo kev, I hope you and i are the last 2 people on earth, we'd have the best sex."

5:18pm: Phone rang while I was taking a shit. I'm guessing it was one of three people – my girlfriend's dad, Harold Camping or God. They didn't leave a message.

5:07pm: MALAYSIA, SINGAPORE, THE PHILIPPINES, CHINA, MONGOLIA AND A BIT MORE OF RUSSIA SAFE

5:02pm: Curiously only one person is planning on "making sweet chiptune jamz on my Game Boy :)".

4:55pm: We're running a "How are you spending the last night before the apocalypse?" poll at Facebook, by the way. 84 of you will be "having sex, rolling up the drugs and eating tacos de tripita", while 71 claim they'll be "wanking and crying". "Planning my Sunday"'s in third with 267 votes, "bangin 7 gram rocks like a BOSS" is just ahead of that in second, but way out in front are the 490 of you who will be "not giving a shit".

4:35pm: Hang on, we might have something! A texter thinks he's spotted a sign that the apocalypse is on its way.

4:27pm: Someone I want to meet who also worked for Harry Camping left this pinned to the door of Family Radio Worldwide HQ last night on Rapture Eve (via):

4:15pm: I mean, in an infinite universe the possibility of there being an omnipotent creator God is just as likely as all those scientists being right, right?

4:13pm: Just under two hours until all righteous Britishers are plucked from this earth. How many of y'all have been baptised today?

4:11pm: JAPAN, THE KOREAS AND AUSTRALIA SAFE

4:02pm: More from our correspondent in Beijing. "Today and tomorrow are BJ's biggest electro-music festival," says Madi Ju. "So I'm at 798 art space dancing, and there are more people outside dancing in the street!" They're demob happy in China. Can I use that phrase in this context?

3:52pm: Oh, and the French? Apparently they're "too busy going on strike to care about the end of the world". Their words, not mine.

3:50pm: The French have piped up – more from them in a second. First, let's hear the self-proclaimed voice of Twitter's "silent majority". "Listen man," s/he begins, "I eat breakfast 20 feet away from 40 Cubans specially trained to kill me. Don't think you can just go interview some old Christian nutter talking about an impending apocalypse then go tweeting it as it happens and think you're going to scare me. It'll be a cold day in hell before you scare me. A COLD DAY IN HELL! x". What a funny guy!

3:40pm: "Does anyone know what happens to all the fish during this rapture?" asks Vice reader Fish Lover. Well, I can't help you or your friend Blinky, who are almost certainly destined for hellfire, but other (better?) types of animal are catered for by these guys. Wonder how many pet-loving Christians put their money where their morals is?

3:07pm: Everyone in Papua New Guinea is celebrating their survival by playing this song. Which is weird, because the video sort of looks like how I imagine the Rapture would.

3:05pm: PARTS OF AUSTRALIA, TASMANIA, MICRONESIA, PAPUA NEW GUINEA AND A BIT MORE OF RUSSIA SAFE

2:52pm: If the world ended now, would New Zealand be the world's biggest superpower?

2:47pm: We've had quite a few texts and tweets from students who are revising in the dark like spods rather than going outside and drinking with their friends. "If the world really splits in two, defamation defences r totez pointless," reasons one anonymous texter, and I for one can't see any cracks in that logic. Go outside! If the rapture doesn't come, and you fail all your exams and topple into a life of itinerant alcoholism, just tell your parents and lawyers it's Harold Camping's fault.

2:34pm: Looks like there's an ideological tete-a-tete developing down there in our comments section. One Trevor Squelch has proposed that the world will actually end on the 21st of October, exactly 7,000 years after Noah's flood and 13,064 years to the day since God created the Earth. "Both of these events are recorded as FACT in all of the science and history books," he argues, though poster Kid English counters that, while there is historical evidence which suggests a massive flood did sweep the earth, he's "not familiar with any findings relating to a f#cking boat with just two of every species on the planet on it".

2:29pm: The first update has come in from our US correspondent, Harry Cheadle (@Suckblog). "Haven't seen any Christians yet today. Have they been raptured, or am I just lucky?" Thanks Harry, see you in hell.

2:23pm: NORTH EASTERN RUSSIA, NEW ZEALAND, THE CHRISTMAS ISLANDS, SAMOA, THE MARSHALL ISLANDS AND TONGA ALL SAFE

2:11pm: Update from Madi; apparently people in China are in fact worried about not being able to eat Chinese wheat noodles in the afterlife.

2:02pm: We've finally heard from our Chinese correspondent, Madi Ju. Apparently people over there aren't worrying about how they'll cope without Chinese wheat noodles, and are more worried about their boyfriends and getting as drunk as they can before the big trapdoor in the sky opens and God's hand comes out it. Glad you're alive, Madi, I've just heard in my earpiece that you guys sometimes have trouble logging in to your social networks.

1:47pm: SKYWATCH: All's pretty tame in Windsor still. Does anyone think that cloud on the left looks like God laughing?

1:25pm: I'm not dead, or raptured, I've been eating a cheese and ham sandwich. Delicious! A couple more texts on the apocalypse phone, one from a man who's declined to take a roof tour of Lincoln Cathedral because he doesn't wanna be up there when the wrath of the Almighty strikes, and another who's wondering if "fatcat xtian investors" have been "playing Monopoly with God".

1:01pm: What will you all miss about the world once you're gone from it? Companionship? Parents? Music? Water? Love? Well, there's been a range of replies so far on Twitter, but the consensus seems to be us (@THEINDIESWAN) and Chinese wheat noodles (@faithsonshyne). Anyone got any advances on that?

12:51pm: More strange canine behaviour reported on Twitter. "I just saw a jack russell fuck up a rat. Some kind of ironic foreshadowment?" wonders @supertyesax. Could be, but it's more likely you've just walked into a pub in Bermondsey.

12:40pm: Crisis averted: The man with the headache has found his dog. His sister took it out for a walk. While this is irrefutable evidence that God has not stolen this particular dog, the lack of communication from our Chinese correspondent is worrying us. Let us know you're okay over there, Madi.

12:15pm: More news from our man in Oz. "If the world does end today, the last ever #1 single in Australia will be "Party Rock Anthem" by LMFAO." Like a funeral song for Australian humanity? Apt. Meanwhile, people on Twitter are making rapture gags like there's no tomorrow (joke courtesy of @jonboyw).

12:08pm: The texts are hurtling in. "I woke up with a headache and I can't find my dog. Is that a sign? Has god taken my dog?" What do you think? Has his dog ascended, or did he just kick it to death when he was drunk last night?

12:02pm: Just after midday, and we've had two separate reports of birds flying into windows in the last hour. Are they angels? Is it coming?

11:57am: A few updates from our text message inbox: There's no apocalypse on the Wirral (yet), though one guy did just accidentally karate chop his girlfriened's orbital bone after she tried to choke him with a biscuit, and all the church bells are ringing in Leamington Spa.

11:45am: Another question, this time from Twitter: "hey, since it's the end of the world, is this a do or a don't?" Botox is never cool, @FreddieEf. Don't.

11:26am: Pertinent question from the apocalypse phone: "Is it acceptable to fuck over mates by sleeping with their beautiful girlfriends before the world ends?"

11:20am: If you missed our original article on Harold Camping and are sat wondering what the hell is this apocalypse that no one told you about, you can find all the information you need here.

11:13am: Updates from Twitter indicate that no signs of the apocalypse have materialised in Cambodia or Tokyo.

11:09am: So apparently God has showed, I just missed his comment below. "I put the rap into rapture, God’ll fucking blast ya, taking followers onto greener fuckin pastures, my misplaced faith, not an AK is my weapon, and we ain't gonna be here MAY 22ND! PEACE" Is that a taunt? Meanwhile on Twitter, WillyHarlow just woke up with a hard on.

11:06am: We're into our eleventh hour of the apocalypse and God still hasn't shown up. His clocks are set to GMT, right?

10:56am: Either the person who rang us got sucked up into the sky mid-dial, or we just got our first prank call on the apocalypse phone.

10:55am: Tweet from @zeldasghost: "The rapture is NOT the apocalypse people! Yes @viceuk I'm looking at you." The Rapture haven't released anything for five years. Liveblogging those guys would be as pointless as hooking up a live camera feed inside Gwyneth Paltrow's skull.

10:34am: Some updates from around the world: at about 9am this morning, our Russian correspondent Hardie Duncan (@HardieDuncan) saw a dog pee on another dog, while in Oz, Royce Akers is wondering if anyone has coined the word "Crapture".

10:31am: An anonymous drunk has got in touch with us via the apocalypse phone. "Can't believe I'm working on doomsday. Still, bar work gives me access to the juice of life and death." It seems our Australian correspondent has decided to start texting us his updates instead of tweeting them at us.

10:29am: Got some old clothes you don't want? Why not trick people into thinking the world's ending?

10:22am: SKYWATCH: No signs of God's angry fist just yet.

10:15am: We've had our first text on the apocalypse phone! In reply to the anonymous texter: yes, I am here, and there's no need to be scared if you've lived your life in complete and utter subservience to God!

10:13am: My girlfriend's watching repeats of Gossip Girl and the beautiful blue sky's full of little fluffy clouds. This isn't how I'd anticipated it going down.

9:53am Sorry for the break in comms, just enjoying breakfast. Poached eggs and bacon. It was great! Getting back to business, the sun first rose on the 21st of May somewhere near Australia, and sure enough our first update came through from our Australian correspondent Royce Akers (@RoyceAkers).

"8.5hrs and counting 'til Australia gets Raptured," he said while I was sleeping. "Earlier than most countries but at least we'll get to see NZ go down first."

It's that sort of camaraderie that Will Smith will be laughing quietly to himself about as he saddles up his space jet and goes to blow up God.

9:30am Hello, and welcome to Vice's live coverage of the apocalypse. We'll leaf through our updates from those parts of the world that are currently moving into the penultimate "fear" stages of their hangovers in just a second, but first: a plea. Help us monitor the End Times' fearsome sweep across the globe by getting in touch with us in one of the following ways:

– TWITTER: Tweet @viceuk, using the hashtag #May21Vice
– EMAIL: You can reach us at kev.kharas@vice.com.
– PHONE: The apocalypse phone is ready to receive your calls and texts. Get us on 0757 262 8928.

Feel free to send us messages and pictures to let us know of any signs of imminent Rapture in your local area. The best communiques will make it onto this page, which we'll be updating constantly throughout the day as Harold Camping and his Family Radio Worldwide friends get nuggied by God and the rest of us get chewed up by the hounds of the devil.

KEV KHARAS