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Big (oh) Brother

It's that time of the year again, the time when Channel 4 let's loose the ageing, unfunny, hag Davina Mccal and the uber hated crotch goblin, George Lamb onto our screens for what seems an eternity of awful voyeuristic television, yes Big Brother is...

It's that time of the year again, the time when Channel 4 let's loose the ageing, unfunny, hag Davina Mccal and the uber hated crotch goblin, George Lamb onto our screens for what seems an eternity of awful voyeuristic television, yes Big Brother is back, sigh.

Channel 4 clearly are still struggling for original ideas to bring in viewers and rely on the desperate and lonely sad fucks who will every year without fail watch this gallery of tools embarrassing themselves and the rest of the human race, if aliens visited now and saw Big Brother they no doubt would exterminate us all for the good of the universe.

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The only good thing BB offers us is a unique experiment in how racist, intolerant, ignorant and fucking irritating the majority of our nation is, and I imagine this year will be no different.Thankfully this year they've picked a good mix of weirdos, dicks and annoying wankers and only one or two 'normals' who will be ostracised for their blandness.

Here is a list of some of the more interesting housemates this year:

Caoimhe Guilfoyle - 22 from Dublin,  I can't pronounce her name so I'll just call her 'Cummy' because it sounds better, a self confessed fag hag bisexual, looks like a lesbain Terminator, will most likely be caught fingering one of the poor straight girls after seducing them with champagne, hopefully.

Dave Vaughn - 39 from Wales, a born again Christian Minister with 4 kids, will try converting the gay and bi people in the house by dunking their heads in the siemen ridden jacuzzi and screaming 'the power of christ compels you…. to be straight'.

John 'Achilles' Parton - 24, identikit ozzie, with a 'my mummy thinks I'm special' kind of attitude he came all the way from Australia because he thought he was unique, with a 'my mummy thinks I'm special' kind of attitude, in fact he looks like every other Ozzie who comes to work in England as a barman at Walkabout, will no doubt be first to fuck the Jordan look-a-like under the table and then cry after.

Shabby Katchadourian - 24, a lesbian squater from london who eats out of bins but dresses damn well for a squater, pretty sure mum and dad still send her money. I'm imagining the whole concept of free, cooked food, electricity, hot water and people who aren't all art school drop outs will send her over the edge and she'll try living in the diary room, eating scraps and cleaning herself in the sink.

Steve Gill, 40 an ex squadie who lost both legs and an eye in a bomb blast in Northern Ireland, has two bionic legs and eight kids, clearly the IRA failed in their attempts at making him infertile, go Steve. Picked by the evil BB bosses for the challenges where you have to dress up, Steve's got the pirate and robot themes won, hands down.