What Should the UK Spend £25 Billion On?

The nuclear submarine HMS Vanguard. (Photo via)

To save some money, the UK are looking into spending £25 billion to replace the Vanguard submarines currently acting as our primary form of nuclear defence. There seem to be better ways of saving money than spending £25 billion, but seeing as we're apparently in the spending mood, I figured I'd go and ask some people what they thought the government should spend all that money on instead.

Miguel: Free beers and tobacco for everyone.

That's a lot of beer. Does the UK already spend too much on military defence?
Yes, every penny is too much.

Okay. Do you have any other suggestions on how to deal with nuclear war?
Yeah, MDMA treatment for all the military guys saying we need to build those things. They just need to love, not hate.

How would you personally blow £25 billion in one day?
I'd bomb Parliament and donate to local NGOs that help kids and old people. And I'd keep a little for myself.

Shanu: Education. And stuff to help kids have a better life. Oh, and the environment and culture.

Do you think the money would be better spent on something else? Like better salaries for nurses, or something?
It is quite a bit of money, but they probably have a reason behind it. Not that I know what that reason is. But yeah, they should pay doctor and environmentalists more with some of that cash.

Good call. How would you blow £25 billion in one day?
I would buy a penthouse and a dog. And donate lots of money to save all the animals and rainforests.

All of them? Nice.

Dominic: I don’t know – helping homeless people and shit.

Do you think the UK spends too much on defence?
I don’t believe so, no. Because, at the end of the day, you have to have a nuclear deterrent to stop people from fucking with you. Know what I mean? If someone invades your country, you’ll start complaining about why the government didn’t spend that £25 billion on Trident.

How would you blow all that money in one day?
I’d probably buy an island somewhere in the Caribbean, maybe two. I’d probably just spend it all on myself, to be honest.

Fair enough.

Ashwin: Health services. That’s what we need.

Does the UK already spend too much on military defence?
No, because the Commonwealth’s declining. We were once the biggest empire in the world.

Alright. If you were to spend the money giving people raises, which profession would you choose?
IT salesmen, without a doubt.

You don't happen to be an IT salesman yourself, do you?
No, I’m a "solutions provider".

I see.

Rob: Prostitutes and cocaine.

So they should spend it on that rather than military defence?
Yeah, they’re just sending money to the US or Afghanistan at the moment.

Besides the prostitutes and cocaine, how would you blow £25 billion?
I would get a load of hookers, cocaine, buy a house and a Ferrari, then take my boss out on a militant bender. I would buy Mauritius and as many porn stars as I could for a night out, like Sarah J. Or Coco, Ice T’s missus, if she was available.

Fair enough. Any suggestions for dealing with nuclear war other than spending billions on defence?
Yep, hide.

Good plan.

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