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Vice Blog

LONDON - POCARI SWEAT

I'm no guru on branding, but to me it seems like life's pretty tough for guys who make soft drinks. First off, everyone drinks Coca-Cola as the default choice anyway (or Irn Bru if you're in Scotland), so getting people to buy your sickly sweet, inferior little brand is going to be an uphill struggle. The two main vehicles to attract the eye of lay consumers like me are the colour and the name. That means these guys must sit around all day coming up with the brightest mixtures of colours and most enticing and "original" words to try to pocket my change.

Witty, catchy names don't interest me. That's the reason I've never bought Snapple. It's such a gay name, I couldn't bring myself to be associated with it. Gatorade, on the other hand – now that's a drink I want to be part of. A raid of alligators? Hell yeah! It's even turquoise, my favourite colour. And Um Bongo, God knows it tastes like shit, and I'm almost certain they don't drink it in the Congo, but it's the best. Lilt as well – I love that stuff, even though it's so sweet that it makes me rub my tongue against a brick after a can. Although the adverts had milkmen in Jamaica delivering Lilt, it wasn't even available to buy over there. I guess the only reason I buy drinks is because I love being targeted and marketed towards. It makes me feel so very special.

My favourite drink of all is Mountain Dew. It tastes so fresh – exactly like that feeling of waking up in a boiling hot tent and then opening the zip to release the steam and find yourself greeted by the sun shining directly into your eyes and a wet pair of shoes that you left outside. It even looks like water that's been sat in a field for ages. Perfect name, perfect colour. Spot on, guys!

So for a company to release a drink with a name like Pocari Sweat – a liquid with a cloudy hue that's reminds me of a clip I saw of a Japanese game show where they collected people's sweat, and people competed to sweat more than the other contestants – seems to go against everything I know about soft drinks. However, it tastes amazing and makes me feel great. I just really wanted to share that, and say how happy I am that I've now found a shop in London that stocks it.

NOODLES AND BROTH