Grimewatch

Skepta slewing Prancehall and Vice on Rinse FM. Photo by Jamie-James Medina

Shystie on her date to the Natural History Museum. Photo by Prancehall

Do you remember a couple of years back when Maxwell D sold a story to the tabloids about going dogging with Jamelia? Well, tell

New Nation

to hold the front pages, because I’ve just been on a date with MC Shystie. Yes, Polydor recording artist (so we’re told) Shystie, with new album

The Movie: All or Nothing

supposedly out in May. When I first heard she was up for linking me, I thought I might bring her to FWD on our first date to bore her into submission. Then, after deliberating for a few more days I eventually settled on taking her to the Natural History Museum ’cos all girls love museums, right? It was her first visit to a museum and she seemed to have an amazing time. Even though she wouldn’t take off her hat or gloves (or let me within three feet of her) I could sense she was completely comfortable in my presence—like we were destined to be together. I could tell by the glint in her eyes that we had a true connection—what we had was real. Once she’d got her minder to give me a full body search, we wandered aimlessly around the exhibits like two loved up school kids. Although she thought most of the displays were bate, she was simply overwhelmed by the marine section, describing the ocean as a “whole different world” and simply couldn’t believe the size of the giant squid we saw in one of the exhibitions. I almost had to hold her hand at one point when she was looking particularly overcome, but her minder again cut in before I could get close enough. I’d planned on bringing her to the Science and Victoria & Albert Museums after we’d finished at the Natural History Museum, but she strangely disappeared when I went to the gift shop to buy her a plastic dinosaur. Even stranger, she hasn’t answered her phone since. So Shy-Shy (that’s my little pet name for her), I have your T-Rex and I was hoping we could talk about me auditioning to play your love interest in the second series of

Dubplate Drama

.

The second most exciting thing to happen to us this month is having Skepta call for me on Roll Deep’s Rinse FM show. Last month we mistakenly reported that one of Skepta’s bars was actually written by another top producer. We tried to tell Skepta that we just write what we hear, but he wouldn’t listen and said we should go and suck our mums live on air. Skepta, if you’re reading this, we’re sorry—maybe one day you can forgive us. Great news for all Skepta and Meridian Crew fans is that Bossman is finally out of jail. We spoke to Bossman’s cousin Andre a couple of months back and he told us Bossman was holding up strong and working on all new material, so we can’t wait to see the Meridian Reunion show coming to a rave and pirate radio station soon. Prison ain’t a joke and ting, so he might be interested in checking out the first Christian Grime crew, Christianity Cartel, who have a video forthcoming on Channel U. The crew is made up of reformed shotters and skeng men and each member is named after a book of the Old Testament. Founding member MC Nehemiah told us: “Our message is one of peace and hope—we shower mans with blessings, not bullets”. If that wasn’t a strange enough concept, we also hear Jammer is planning to do a live album from Feltham Young Offenders’ Institution. How the fuck is there not gonna be an actual riot when he spits his “Murkle Man” bars? In other Neckle news, Jammer is expanding his Murkle Man empire with a line of night-wear for kids called Py-Jammers, available exclusively from Stratford shopping centre in May.

We’ve got a feeling the guys in Christianity Cartel might not be too happy with what a certain top grime collective have been getting up to recently. If you thought it was only Premiership footballers who were into roasting, then you need to check out the sex tape which has been doing the rounds on bluetooth phones for a hot minute. One young member that we’ll call Penfold manages to keep his glasses on throughout the whole thing and let’s just say we now know what its like to really be “In at the Deep End”. Okay, enough bullshit for one month…make sure to check out the

Aim High 3

CD/DVD pack (listen out for the radio advert—too funny) which is out right about now and contains easily the best produced tracks we’ve ever heard on a grime mixtape as well as footage from the

Vice

-sponsored show in NYC. We’ve also got our hands on DJ Wonder’s new album Welcome to

Wonderland

which is probably the darkest grime album ever made. You also need to hear Scorcher’s new mixtape

Simply the Best

. Scorcher and the Cold Blooded Man Dem have been making moves for a while and Logan Sama swears by them, so definitely look out for them this year.

Finally, don’t say we aren’t ever good to you guys, because this month, we’re giving away an exclusive “G-Watch”. This is the first grime-themed watch made exclusively for

Vice

magazine by Swatch and was modelled by JME at the recent

Rinsessions

launch party. It can play mp3s so you can listen back to all of those grime tracks you kids steal off the internet and it also has a camera so you can record happy slap videos on it. To be in with a chance of winning one as well as some exclusive vinyl and mixtapes from Grimewatch favourite Faction G, email us your biggest bars slewing

Vice

magazine (minimum of 16 bars required for entry) to grimewatch@gmail.com. See you next month when we’ll be babysitting with No-Lay or skinny dipping with Miss Beatz.

CLARENCE STATELY-HOLMES