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Vice Blog

LONDON - MY BOYFRIEND IS GAY

I knew it was too good to be true. Now, don't get me wrong. My boyfriend has always been a sensitive guy. I like that about him. I don't mind the fact that he constantly wears pastels and occasionally enjoys wearing my nighties when we have sex. But there's being sensitive and then there's just being a massive gay. And he's treading dangerously close to the line.

I knew something was up when some of my make-up mysteriously went missing about a month ago. I didn't think much of it until a week later when I noticed what appeared to be the remnants of mascara on my boyfriend's eyes. I tried to overlook it. I mean, plenty of boys wear make-up, right? That's not weird. It's just rock and roll. No big deal. My boyfriend isn't a raging homosexual. He's just avant garde. This is what I told myself anyway.

However, my gay-dar came into effect again about two weeks ago when we went on a date to see Sex and the City, and (surprise surprise) he cried through the entire thing. And I'm not talking teary-eyed either. I'm talking full-on, nose-sniffling, giant-gasps-of-breath-sobbing to the point where the people next to us kept going, "Sshhhh! Ssshhh!" (which was actually more annoying than the crying itself).

Anyway. I tried to put the waterworks out of my mind, but then I opened this month's issue of i-D to find this picture of him in full makeup (probably mine) looking all seductive as if he's saying, "Hello gay men! Look how sexy I am! I'm gay too. Let's get together and do gay things. Things that don't involve vaginas whatsoever, because I find those super gross." Ugh. I'm freaking out.

So what am I supposed to do? Ignore it? Pretend it never happened? Should I buy a strap-on and offer to wear a fake mustache and put on a man's voice? I'm seriously confused. Is it me? Am I so repulsive that I've turned him on to men forever? Why, God? WHY?

KARLEY