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Vice Blog

BERLIN - THOSE TRANQUIL KIWIS

Peace is awesome because in times of peace you simply find way more time to get laid and hang out than in times of war. Violent conflicts kind of suck because you could get hurt and/or hurt others. That's why it's sweet that there is a thing like the charts of peace, which give you an idea of who you should ideally be spending your time with.

Germany's been steadily losing footing over the last bunch of years, which probably means that we're heading straight into WWIII. But we're always trying to compete with the best so we decided to speak to the

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Vice Ambassador of New Zealand

, who basically seems to be doing the same thing as George Clooney, where he's spreading the word about being friends with others who are not like you and all that. We wanted to find out what we can do better to become better people. But I couldn't get a hold of him, so I talked to my colleague's roommate. He's from New Zealand and he's threatened to beat me up multiple times because I keep forgetting his name. He's called Jasper by the way.

Vice: Hi. Congratulations for winning, which basically makes you the most peaceful country in the world.

Jasper:

That's bullshit. We're ravaging savages, a people that have been violent forever. Just go and watch

Once We Were Warriors

 and you'll know what our deal is.

Yeah, I remember you wanted to slap me in the face once because I couldn't remember your name.

Bullshit. I was kidding, don't worry about it. I just took the piss out of you.

Have you ever beaten someone up?

No, not really. Well, there was this one time where I got into a bar fight with a French guy who kept insulting me, so we finally had a go at each other. In the end I was kicked out and he got to stay. Then I was also involved in a couple of other fights, too, but I was always the one taking stick.

Sounds like the Ghandi approach to peace. "Taking stick."

I guess so.

What's the international deal with you guys? Any action in Afghanistan or Iraq?

Nah, we have a hands-off approach towards that shit. See, that's the bonus of living in the butthole of the world—there's no one there to really care about what you're doing or not doing.

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No harsh feelings for your much cooler and better Australian neighbors?

Kiwis feel inferior to Aussies in many respects, but really, we don't care so much. Maybe I hate them a tiny little bit, but that's all.

What could aggressive countries learn from New Zealand?

Just how dangerous it can be to live isolated in the butt of the world, how to be really indifferent, and

the Haka

, our traditional war dance.

So you dance before you consider starting a war?

No, actually we just dance.

Seriously, Jasper, you guys deserve to win this.

Of course we really wanted to know what it's like to bring up the rear too and we called the Iraqi Embassy. We couldn't get a hold of anybody to have a little chat with and just ended up listening to their voicemail. It sounded pretty aggressive, I think.

FELIX NICKLAS