Photo by Chris Nieratko
Rating: 10 See that girl on the left side of the box cover? Her name is Felix Vicious. I interviewed her last January at the AVN convention in Vegas, a trade show for the adult industry where they showcase all the newest titles for the year. It culminates in an awards ceremony where girls cry and thank God and their parents in their acceptance speeches when they win Best Blow Job Scene. It's all rather surreal and me and my wife get a real kick out of it. In the course of three days I'm able to interview no less than a dozen professional sluts, getting a year's work done in one weekend. Now that's some real journalism. Generally, the interviews don't stand out in my mind. Maybe it's because I'm staring at their tits the entire time, or maybe it's because they're generally not that interesting. There are, though, a few that completely tanked, which are my favorites. For instance I interviewed this woman who has had 100 chopsticks up her ass at one time, a bowling pin in her rectum, and two cocks and two dildos in her ass at once. My first question was, "So, is there anything you can't fit up your ass?" That was it—she exploded. "I take my work very serious. This is my art. I don't want it looked at like some circus sideshow." My response: "Are you fucking kidding me? Lady, you put a hundred chopsticks up your ass. It's beyond a circus sideshow. You're the clown, the lion tamer, and the guy selling popcorn all wrapped in one." Surprisingly, the interview ended there. Ms. Felix Vicious, on the other hand, was much more pleasant, even though she had issues of her own. At the time everyone was talking about Kobe Bryant raping some white girl's ass with his horse cock, so I asked her, "If Kobe offered you $1 million would you let him fuck your ass?" Her answer was no, but not for the reasons you might think. "I would never," she told me. "You know why? Because he's black. I don't fuck black men. For the record, I would never fuck a black man. Not on film, not in real life, never." I especially liked how she made a distinction between film and "real life." The topic of her not ever letting a black man touch her came up a few more times in our conversation. It seemed to be the only thing on her mind other than that when she grows up, she wants "to be a marine biologist or a massage therapist." Isn't she precious? The only other thing that she went off about was the making of this film. She told me she had never done anal on film nor will she ever again after the awful experience she had on the set. That toothy girl on the right was supposed to do the anal and Felix was just there as, you know, backup. But the other girl gave up after two positions and made Felix endure "six hours of getting fucked in the ass." Sounds awful, huh? I decided I had to see it for myself. I actually spent $20 on this disc. I have never spent one red cent on porn, so that just tells you how eager I was to see what forced anal looks like on film. Granted, we all know what forced anal looks like in our bedrooms; it's usually messy, starts with a barrage of screams and insults and ends with a door slamming. I don't know, maybe it was the magic of cinema, but I watched the scene six or seven times and both girls seem to get fucked equally and neither seems too bummed about it. Or maybe they're just really good actresses. Who knows? CHRIS NIERATKO