The first boy I ever had sex with was a 20 stone (300lb) steam-train obsessed funeral director with psoriasis, a stutter and anorgasmia. All of my friends were scared of him and used to call him "Scary Lips" behind his back. I guess you could say he was the first boy I ever loved (kidding). A few months ago I heard that he'd been fired from his job for fiddling with the bodies. He wasn't named Neil, but to protect his identity for the duration of this interview he will be.When I heard about the bodies, I wasn't too surprised. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there's a quality he possesses that screams "NECROPHILE." Like, when we first had sex he took me to a cemetery to do it. And he also claims to not like music. Like, not a single song that's ever been made. I'm not sure why that means that he's sexually attracted to dead people, but it's gotta be indicative of some deeper problem. He's still denying the accusations (or is innocent, whatever), so he was unlikely to say anything juicy, but I decided to try and talk to him about it anyway.
Vice: Hey Neil! So what happened with the funeral director job?
Neil: They sacked me on allegations of sexual harassment, pedophilia and necrophilia. Shocked? Yeah… What're they basing that on?
Well apparently I told a co-worker that I'd looked at child porn sites.Did you?
I don't recall saying such a thing.But that isn't necrophilia or sexual harassment.
Well, the sexual harassment claim came from this time we were messing around in the hearse. One of the guys asked if I'd shag the other guy and I said jokingly, "Oh aye, definitely," and started acting like the stereotypical gay guy. But I'm not the only one who's done something like that. I think they were just bothered by it because I was gay.And the necrophilia?
I looked at some necrophilia sites on their computer and one of my co-workers found out. But it was just research. I'm not into that AT ALL. I'm just fascinated by it. Like, how a person could do such a thing?Like Pete Townshend?
Who?Never mind. So there was no actual dead people contact?
No. I'm not into that at all.Not even like, the thought of someone you find really hot dead? Like that part at the end of Fight Club where Brad Pitt gets shot in the face?
No.Remember the first time we hooked up? That was in a graveyard…
Yes.That's kinda weird, huh?
Yes.2 minutes of silence… Annnnyway, what're you doing now?
Seeking legal advice. I wrote a letter saying I deny all the charges. I'm waiting to hear back from them. I loved that job. I feel so betrayed about being fired. In fact, loved wasn't the word. I really fucking loved it.They're not pressing charges or anything then?
No. Anyways, I'm gonna go grab a shower. See ya.JAMIE TAETE
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Neil: They sacked me on allegations of sexual harassment, pedophilia and necrophilia. Shocked? Yeah… What're they basing that on?
Well apparently I told a co-worker that I'd looked at child porn sites.Did you?
I don't recall saying such a thing.But that isn't necrophilia or sexual harassment.
Well, the sexual harassment claim came from this time we were messing around in the hearse. One of the guys asked if I'd shag the other guy and I said jokingly, "Oh aye, definitely," and started acting like the stereotypical gay guy. But I'm not the only one who's done something like that. I think they were just bothered by it because I was gay.And the necrophilia?
I looked at some necrophilia sites on their computer and one of my co-workers found out. But it was just research. I'm not into that AT ALL. I'm just fascinated by it. Like, how a person could do such a thing?
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Who?Never mind. So there was no actual dead people contact?
No. I'm not into that at all.Not even like, the thought of someone you find really hot dead? Like that part at the end of Fight Club where Brad Pitt gets shot in the face?
No.Remember the first time we hooked up? That was in a graveyard…
Yes.That's kinda weird, huh?
Yes.2 minutes of silence… Annnnyway, what're you doing now?
Seeking legal advice. I wrote a letter saying I deny all the charges. I'm waiting to hear back from them. I loved that job. I feel so betrayed about being fired. In fact, loved wasn't the word. I really fucking loved it.They're not pressing charges or anything then?
No. Anyways, I'm gonna go grab a shower. See ya.JAMIE TAETE