Obese men in garish ill-fitting suits, babies with Mexican names, GM reindeer. Yawn, yawn, yawn. Face it: Christmas is a stale string of cliches. Not like you. You're an overeducated modern urbanite creative who can take charge of your own destiny. Time for a holiday rebranding. Time for a day when you can truly embrace your freedom to be you by creating an occasion that's relentlessly cutting-edge. Time for X.mas.X.mas: how to rock the festive trends
1. Remove the groansome regular jokes from your crackers and insert passages of Bill Hicks and Lenny Bruce. Urban Outfitters do great crackers with non-consecutive lines of Samuel Beckett.2. Silent Night? It's for squares. No, what you need is a self-compiled album of ironic meta-Carols, i.e. songs that include a Carol in their title: Neil Sedaka's 'Oh! Carol' or Stan Ridgway's 'Calling Out To Carol' will start you off.3. Invite an urchin into your house as a Scrooge-like act of kindness. If you don't have an urchin, try a local smack addict. Just remember not to confuse his methadone jellies with your Turkish Delight, and you'll be OK. You can get him to tell you stories about his interesting life on the dangerous streets, and you can reward him with a chocolate coin every time he makes you laugh. Finally, hide his jellies, then make brilliant jokes about 'cold turkey'.4. Don't lie to your young cousins about Santa Claus. Remember: lies are what got us into Iraq. Rather, tell them the truth, namely that the overproduction inherent in capitalism can only be supported by periodic binges of excess disposable income on meaningless trinkets. It's not Santa who gives them gifts, it's the invisible hand of the market mechanism. Tell them a long-dead Englishman called Adam Smith is Santa, but if they cry, remind them that his spirit is still alive in every Happy Meal. After all, selling below-cost to kids to incentivise adult purchase is the truest form of generosity there is.5. You'll need a nativity scene which is ironically based on MTV's Cribs. Dennis Rodman/Madonna is the classic choice, but Pete Wentz/Ashlee Simpson is one of this year's hot sellers.6. Charades are no longer retro-chic – they're back to being boring. Instead, insert an Old West/burlesque vibe by playing strip poker with your kith and kin. There's nothing like the sound of an elderly relative's gusset hitting the floor to say 'Merry X.mas'.7. Above all, this is a time to put the 'X' back in Christ-mas. Religion is a load of baloney. Instead of going to mass, listen to a Richard Dawkins podcast, then demonstrate how phoney faith is by building your own god out of beer cans and worshipping it. Also, try nailing your turkey to a cross before cooking.8. The traditional colour of X.mas lights is stone-washed.9. Gift-giving is the climax of the festivities. Don't leave your relatives unfulfilled at climax: get everyone shares in the hip underground jumbotronica record label you're going to start. Why buy something when you can be a part of something?10. Merry X.mas and an arty New Year!GAVIN HAYNES
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