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Health

Australian Firefighters Cut a Spanner Off a Man's Penis With an Angle Grinder

"We do quite a few of them," admitted one firefighter, weirdly.

A ring spanner, according to the internet's oracle Yahoo Answers, should be used to tighten and/or loosen nuts and/or bolts.

It should never under any circumstances, according to anybody with a sense of self-preservation, be slipped onto one's penis. This is because the restriction of blood flow will cause the appendage to swell, rendering the spanner completely stuck.

This apparently didn't occur to a Gold Coast man, who has had to have a ring spanner cut off his penis with an angle grinder by firefighters this week. While it's not clear whether the accident was an ill-fated attempt by the man to measure his girth, or if he just trying to MacGyver a cock ring, potentially the most surprising element of this story emerged in a quote from Tweed Heads firefighter Peter Sutherland.

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"We do quite a few of them," he said, suggesting that it was quite common for men to slip a metal tool over their penises, causing them to become engorged, and requiring emergency services to do a call out to cut said tool off with a motorised saw.

Sutherland went on describing the procedure in an unnecessary level of detail: "We use a tiny angle grinder that's air operated, as well as measuring tape to protect the skin and slowly zip away at it while keeping water running on it so it doesn't get too hot."

The firefighter took the opportunity to urge anyone who gets a spanner stuck on their dick to call 000 as soon as possible. The longer it's left there, the harder it will be to slice the tool free from the shaft.

"Inevitably, people leave it too long to come see us because they are embarrassed," Sutherland said. "They say 'my wife said to put butter on it, sleep on it and it will go down.'"

By all accounts the Gold Coast man has fully recovered, and sustained no damage having a high-powered saw whirring millimetres from his junk. Some have hailed the surgery a positive outcome for all, others have labelled it a failure of natural selection.

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