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Girl Eats Food - Pumpkin Ice Cream Floaters

God, I'm going to slut it up big for Halloween this year. I'm going to dress as a Satanic whatever with massive boobs, take a lot of PCP, and scream at everyone dressed as Amy Winehouse.

God, I’m going to slut it up big for Halloween this year. I’m going to dress as a Satanic whatever with massive boobs, take a lot of PCP, and scream at everyone dressed as Amy Winehouse. Anyway, after stuffing your gob with the candy you’ve wrestled off small children, you’re going to need something to soften the blow of the sugar crash. And this is where my recipe comes in. Now, pumpkins are disgustingly American, but fuck it, they’re bloody nice and not everything can be rice pudding and scotch eggs. You can trust me when I say this is delicious. I would never pull some shitty vegan tactic to trick you guys into eating anything with any nourishment, right? Pumpkin Ice Cream Floaters Recipes always manage to make ice cream sound like some dark art form that only chefs and dairy wizards are capable of, but really it’s the easiest shit in the world to do. Only pussies resort to ice cream makers. Everything from toe jam to fried chicken can be made into a yummy ice cream, just so long as you have arms and a basic understanding of how freezers work. 2 x cups of double cream
1 x cup of milk
2 x eggs
¾ x cup of brown sugar
1 x cup of pumpkin mush
1 x teaspoon of cinnamon
1 x “splash” of rum
Cream soda Step 1.

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Hack up your pumpkin like it's a suburban teenager on Halloween and scoop out the seeds. Place in an oven dish with a splash of water and cook at 390f for around an hour.

Step 2.

Meanwhile, warm all your dairy and eggs slowly. Don’t get buckwild and slam the heat up unless you want a chunky mess. Add the sugar a little bit at a time, until…

Step 3.

…it looks like this. Then leave to cool.

Step 4.

After an hour, your pumpkin should be squidgy enough that you can just scoop it away from the skin in the same way that gyspies separate the flesh of a hedgehog from its spikes after a quick blast in the clay oven.

Step 5.

Then you can blitz into a puree with a, um, blitzer. If you’ve done it right it ends up making about fifty kilos of pumpkin mush, so you best get your cookery game up and start knocking out pumpkin pie, pumpkin burgers, pumpkin goulash, whatever.

Step 6.

Plop a cup of the pulp into the cream base.

Step 7.

If you’re ballin' out of control, spiced rum and cinnamon will add some class. Otherwise, just whisk everything into an orange sludge and freeze.

Step 8.

After, like, three or four hours in the freezer, it should look like a vegetable slushie. Whisk again so it doesn't become a gigantic ice pop, then freeze again overnight.

Step 9.

Look! It’s ice cream! How hard was that? It's so easy, I did it drunk and it turned out fine.

Step 10.

Get busy with the food coloring to make some *CrAzY* looking Frankenstein juice out of the cream soda.

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Step 11.

Dump in a scoop of your bastardized Ben & Jerry’s. They'd call it "Nightmare On Elm Sweet," or something really witty and clever like that.

Look, you’re basically only some dry ice and an ill-thought out, slutty Gaddafi outfit away from the perfect Halloween.

Bone-appetite!

Previously - Corned Beef Cold Remedy

Joanna Fuertes-Knight

@fuertesknight