Martha Stewart has been in the game for a long time. She pioneered self-branding long before Gwyneth was slinging vagina candles, or the Grateful Dead was collaborating on aprons (they’re great, by the way). Whether you grew up hypnotized by her ability to crank out seasonal wreaths on Martha Stewart Living or only just clocked her wholesome friend-brand-ship with Snoop Dogg, you have to admit: Martha knows what’s up. She always has.
Over the decades, Martha has not just kept up with the times, but helped to define them in an increasingly celeb-led world of online shopping. Remember when she made an entire ceramic nativity set in prison—oh yeah, she went to prison that one time—and then sold replicas on her site? She even gained the respect of my other favorite she-king, Joan Didion. In a 2000 New Yorker essay, Didion asserts that “by branding herself not as Superwoman but as Everywoman, Stewart made even her troubles an integral part of her success.” She’s talented, but she’s also self-aware. Plus, she’s no narc.
Anyways. If it’s not at one-hundo, Martha won’t do it. So when I heard that my queen was slinging a new limited-edition release of her CBD gummies, I was curious to know what she’d regale us with next. An heirloom tomato flavor? Another *chef’s kiss* batch of quince and kumquat gumdrops? Lo and behold the tasty peak of spooky season, Martha Stewart’s limited edition pumpkin spice CBD gummies:
I’ve tried everything from CBD tinctures to CBD-infused pajamas over the years, but I had yet to find a CBD gummy that hit the perfect note between sweet and savory, while chilling me out just enough to binge six episodes of Swamp Loggers. With an open and festive mind, I slammed Martha’s PSL-esque gummies for a week, in various situations, to see if they were actually legit.
What was rad
These gummies are made with CBD or cannabidiol isolate, and don't contain any THC, which is the psychoactive ingredient in weed that normally makes me trip balls. Ideally, CBD isolate should bring on a slow, gentle wave of stoner-y calm without any of the paranoid scaries. My favorite dose is about 30 milligrams at a time, or in this case, three gummies at 10 milligrams per piece.
“Holy shit,” my roommate said when I handed her the gummies, “it’s like a bakery in a bag.” There was an initial waft of vanilla and fresh pastry from Martha’s baggy that transported us to a picturesque, autumnal Hallmark Original Movie (have you seen Butlers in Love yet??), and I appreciated that the gummies weren’t too sweet or overpowered by their light dusting of sugar. I’m not a big fan of dessert, so I also appreciated the fact that while the gummies have a sugary top note, they offer a very delicate, pumpkin-and-Cinnabon essence. The texture was silky and easy to chew (sometimes CBD gummies get hella stiff and stuck to your teeth), and eradicated any bitterness you would typically get from CBD with a balanced, layered flavor profile.
At first, it was hard to say if they really had an effect, because we slammed one or two before bed when we were already relaxed. They were definitely delicious, and I had to put them in my room to stop from snacking on them, but the real test came the following week.
It was the first day of Mercury retrograde. I threw out my neck, my Taj Kabab King order was wrong, and everyone dipped on our weekend Renn Faire plans. I slid into my icy migraine mask, and pounded four or five gummies to yeet myself from reality. In about 20 minutes, the slew of both physical and Petty Betty problems didn’t feel so debilitatingly stressful. Suddenly, I was sailing down a river of calm, feeling groovy and unbothered while checking off things from my to-do list: Send the emails you’ve been putting off (easy), drop off your laundry (done), and crawl out from under the weight of my anxiety (a breeze). It’s not that these pumpkin-spice saviors got me into a stoner haze where my problems didn’t exist, but they had the effect of helping me shake off the petty problems, cocooning me in warmth and a little more patience.
What was tricky
I’m already bummed that they are only a seasonal offering, but I guess that’s life. I would also love to see a gift box version next fall, Martha dearest. Maybe something with a silk box, like the one offered by fellow aesthetic CBD brand Molly J.?
I was skeptical to see just how different these CBD gummies would be—try one, and you’ve kiiinda tried them all, right? That might be the case with anyone else, but this is Martha Stewart we’re talking about, the Patron Saint of Delish and narc-buster extraordinaire; when asked what she missed most while in prison, you know what she said? Not her family or pets, but “the flavor of lemon.” That's king shit. Of course I want her CBD to take on fall flavors.
Everyone is different, but I recommend slamming three to four to unwind before bed or after work. They didn’t at all make me sleepy, but they did make my brain feel less like a stressed-out filing cabinet, and more like a warm and fuzzy Build-a-Bear workshop with a 5-star average Yelp rating.
Give these to your mom, your friends, and most of all, to yourself. And if you end up stock-piling and upselling them during the holidays, please slide into my DMs. I know I’ll be wanting more.
Martha Stewart Pumpkin Spice CBD Gummies can be purchased at Shop Canopy.
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