Never has our general sex toy mantra of “cum one, cum all” been truer than today [slips on pleather gloves] as we get elbow-deep into the Ejaculation Nation of dildos, lubes, and other sex toys centered around one thing: Bellagio-fountain levels of cum. As it turns out, there are about as many ejaculating dildos on the web as there are recipes for how to make the perfect soft-boiled egg, and they’re all a variation of each other that depends on 1) whatever ~equipment~ you’re working with in the first place, and 2) the amount of runny yolk you want dribbling down your chin.
On the one hand, these are the sex toys for the cum lords, jizz jesters, and spunk bois; the nut busters who dream of power washing their flannel sheets with sperm, as well as anyone who has ever wondered if semen is actually good for your skin. (Sorry, Mom; sorry god.) On the other hand, these toys can also be great options for those who don't have the ability to ejaculate in the way they’d like to due to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, simply not having a penis, or a slew of other reasons. As sex writer Maria Yagoda explained after toying with an ejaculation dildo, insemination toys really run the gamut of experiences; they can speak to a spunky kink, sure, but they can also be a great toy for transgender people, or help couples who otherwise might struggle with making it to the eruption.
Maybe you’re the Urethra Franklin of squirting. Maybe you’re getting into pegging, and want to give your next session a Universal Studios-level of water works that only an ejaculating dildo can bring. Whatever the reason of the season, here are the raddest, top-rated, cum-centric sex toys we could find online that will get you so wet, you’ll need to fish out the Adidas pool slides. In the words of Natasha Bedingfield, “No one else can feel the rain on your [Skyn].”
This semen stopper
Because stainless steel edging ist so Berlin, mein Liebling. This sex toy is “designed to delay ejaculation, enhance erections and prolong pleasure” by effectively (and safely) corking your penis, so that when you finally slip it off at orgasm time your jizz has that Krakatoa flow.
The easy squeeze
New to Jizz Town? Finding yourself walking in cum-centric circles? Then this is a great ejaculating dildo to get your feet (if that’s your kink) wet. It’s just like basting a turkey (kinda): Just squeeze the bulb on this veiny dildo to expel air and suck up your fluid (lube, pumpkin spice latte, you do you) of choice. Put the bulb into the hole at the dildo's base, and you’re primed to blow your load. “I bought this when I was starting to get into anal play,” writes one reviewer, “and it's definitely helping me start to enjoy it. Not too big but not too small either, love the veins and other details which provide incredible realism.”
Next in the ring is this Lovetoy dildo, which comes in at a hefty nine total inches (seven of which are insertable) and features a strong suction element and a firm but flexible design that’s earned it top marks on Amazon. “It has a nice soft feel to it that’s similar to real flesh and the veins,” writes one reviewer, while another says that, “This thing is a beast!! From the actual size of the toy, to the size of the giant reservoir bulb and extra thick hose you will not be disappointed!”
This one comes with “nut butter”
… And yes, it is vegan. Doc Johnson is a trusted sex toy brand and the maker of this syringe-based squirter, which comes with a veiny shaft and some realistically [gestures in gabagool] textured balls. Also, filling an ejaculating dildo is really your moment to shine and get creative; some folks fill their toys with lube, water, or a blend of water and milk. But if you want a helping hand, the Doc has whipped up a little concentrated “Nut Butter” imitation ejaculate for you. Our compliments to the chef.
Strap on, tune in…
… And go to Jizz Town with this 7.5-inch strap-on dildo, which has a liquid reservoir in the tip that you just squeeze to release upon your climax moment(s) of choice. “My god,” writes one reviewer, “I’m convinced all our other dildo’s have got to go in the bin.There is nothing about this that we didn’t enjoy.” Another says that it’s a great syringe alternative, and that “you can really stay in the fantasy of it. If there's any other trans men out there that are bummed out about not being able to cum in their partners, I can't recommend this enough!”
Off to the races
Hands down, ass up—this is by far our favorite NSFW game to play, next to that Japanese lube stairs game. You just fill the purple penises up with your juice/liquid confetti of choice, and then get overly competitive with your Leo friend about who gets their robo peen off first.
Lock and load
Again, you’re going to want lubricant—lube for exterior and interior, lube for the heart, lube for the soul. You can use whatever lube works for you and your partner on the reg, or venture into the world of imitation cum fluids by brands such as Loadz [sips White Russian]. As Dr. Lee Zard wrote in their review of one of the brand’s liquids, “[It has the] good stringy consistency I was looking for, and works well as a lube. Doesn’t make my junk smell like fruit or weird chemicals which is a perk.” Cheers.
The Bat Signal of jizzers
This is more of a sexual personality garnish—or perhaps invitation—than an actual cum- busting sex toy. (Then again, who knows what gets you off more than Santa?) We say: Fly your funky spunk flag high.
In the words of all suburban dads who shake the excess ~water~ from their hands upon walking out of the Olive Garden bathroom: Let’s rock and roll.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.