Can You Start a Healthy New Relationship With a Broken Heart?

There’s a common idea that a person must be healed to fall in love and build a healthy relationship. 

For a while, I believed this notion. I spent years scouring the latest and greatest self-help books, following a strict morning routine that consisted of meditating and journaling, going to therapy twice a week, moving my body every day, eating a healthy diet, etc. And those are all great habits, sure.

But still, I found myself falling short—or, in other words, being human.

One morning, several months after a particularly harsh breakup, my therapist asked me whether I would consider “getting back out there.” Immediately, I told her I didn’t feel like I was “healed” enough. I was afraid of falling into the same dynamic with someone new, afraid of getting hurt or hurting another person, afraid of starting over. I felt that my obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) was flaring up—as it often does during major life changes—and that I needed to fully heal before even considering going on a date with someone new.

In response, she gently explained that some of the best healing occurs within healthy relationships, and you don’t need to be perfect in order to be loved. 

In fact, oftentimes, it’s the avoidance of dating that hinders our progress. 

And sure, you mustn’t be so unhealed that you’re overly dependent on another individual for your own happiness. Sure, you don’t want to jump from one toxic relationship to the next without taking a moment to reflect. Sure, you don’t want to use another person to get over your emotionally manipulative ex. 

But if you’re waiting until you’re “perfect” to get into a relationship, you will be waiting forever.

Should You Be Fully Healed Before Starting a New Relationship?

Naturally, I started crying on the spot when my therapist explained this to me. Because really, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet someone and fall in love. I think many of us crave that. 

It was quite the opposite. 

I didn’t want to fail. I didn’t want to end up hurt again. I didn’t want to mess up or make mistakes or not show up as this perfectly put-together, stable woman I so desperately wanted to be, who rarely gets anxious or insecure. I didn’t want another person to come into my life and undo all the progress I’d previously made, to throw me off kilter again.

My ego was so obsessed with becoming and remaining the “ideal partner” who is low maintenance, accommodating, confident, and has zero flaws.

I’m not sure that version of myself will ever exist. I’m not sure I want her to. Because I’m not sure she would be the same empathetic, creative individual I am today. I’m not sure she would have the same deep connections, the same sense of humor, the same values and morals, the same passions and interests.

I’ve never expected perfection from a partner, so why would I expect it from myself? 

And so, I decided to put myself out there—as I was. Little by little, I accepted first dates, even if they triggered panic attacks. Little by little, I opened up to the idea that I wasn’t someone to be “fixed.” Little by little, I embraced my journey with OCD while still working hard in therapy.

And when I found myself developing feelings for a friend of mine, though I fought it at first, I eventually faced my fears and opened up to the idea of a relationship. 

Looking back now, I realize my partner and I shared an effortless connection because, with him, I showed up as my most authentic self. I never needed to be anyone different, anyone more healed, anyone less plagued by OCD or past traumas.

I’ve learned that the right person will work with you, not against you, when issues arise. And that person will have their own quirks and flaws, too. And you will love them just the same.