American companies—from kids’ trampoline studios and virtual reality companies to bidet and 3D printer manufacturers—are taking to heart the old adage “never let a good crisis go to waste” by figuring out how they, too, can get in on the coronavirus frenzy.

Over the last several weeks, Motherboard reporters have gotten a truly mind-boggling number of coronavirus-related press releases that fall into one of four broad categories:

• Our event you have never heard of is canceled
• Buy our thing to protect yourself from the pandemic
• Here’s how we’re protecting the world from coronavirus
• What to do in quarantine (masturbate)

Taken together, I think we can learn a lot about crisis capitalism and the collective psyches of American small businesses/startups. This is not even close to an exhaustive list:

lol:

Thinkfluencer:

For learning:

Celeb angle:

A seat cover to protect you on flights:

Face … shield:

Steam blasters:

Solar panels(??????):

Mask suction cup:

Document copying services:

Yoga for the scared, vulnerable, and tired:

Virtual conferences:

Trampoline park power cleaning:

For those who work from home on a yacht:

For those who are bored and wanna teach English:

To learn:

Powerwash:

For those who wanna “Sworkit”

For the zoomers:

For VR shopping:

For dirty butts / those who did not panic buy toilet paper:

To monitor houseguests:

To film your conference:

To party:

I dunno:

Horny:

Horny:

Weirdly confident:

Powerwashing:

VR:

Resilience of capitalism:

Blockchain, Babey:

Wi-Fi hotspot:

VR VR VR VR VR VR VR VR VR:

To get stoned

To #CancelEverything

Horny:

Horny:

Robots: