Cruel Summer: The ‘Super Smash Bros.’ Gauntlet

You kids. You just fire up Super Smash Bros. Ultimate and get to play as Sonic. No real struggle — just the character select screen and fun. I can’t imagine what that’s like. In my day, you had to bang your head against a wireframe wall for the (fake) chance to play as Sonic and Tails.

And you know why? Because I’m old enough to remember when the folks at EGM decided to throw out one of their classic April Fool’s jokes. I remember the time Super Smash Bros. Melee‘s Cruel Melee mode took over my summer. 

‘Super SMASH BROS.’ CAN’T HURT ME

April 2002: yet another issue of EGM that would live in infamy. I flipped through the pages and came across a small section that detailed the steps to unlocking Sonic and Tails. And it was then I decided that this was what I was going to do until it was done. I was 11 years old, okay? Some of you thought Sheng Long was a thing, too.

All I needed was 20 kills in Cruel Melee, the side mode that features insanely powerful and difficult wireframe fighters. But, if I find a way to knock out 20? The Blue Blur and his partner would be mine. I had never actually touched the mode before this, I just practiced against level 9 bots all day, so this was as good a reason as any to get into it.

So, I fired it up and went to work. And what I found was a hellscape unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. You think FromSoftware brought the pain? Wait until Super Smash Bros. drops a bunch of pink and purple demons on your head.

NINTENDO RUMBLE

My first few times at it, I was foolish enough to try this straight up. I went in with Samus, my main (to this DAY). And the moment I got in, I realized this was a huge mistake. I got two kills in and was promptly escorted the hell off the platform. Super Smash Bros. laughed at my hubris and punished me for it.

Even still, in my determination to get this done, I switched to my backup. I brought Link in. If it’s possible to make a bigger mistake than a horrible mistake, then I did it. Link is slow anyway, but in Cruel Melee? I might as well have been Luka Dončić on defense. No kills and tossed out the ring like the GOAT, DJ Jazzy Jeff.

So, I finally decided to go full cheese mode and pick Donkey Kong. I spawn in, plant myself in the middle, and start ground pounding. Six kills. Progress. Super Smash Bros. and its horde of undefined monsters are finished. So now, this is the plan: riding DK to victory. Once we all found out it wasn’t true, my competitiveness kicked in and I just wanted to finish it to say I did. It took me the whole summer, but eventually, I got my 20. So, thanks, EGM. I got better at being stubborn because of you.