This Might Be the Closest You’ll Ever Come to Having Sex with a Spaceship

The Fleshlight Launch syncs to VR porn to promise, in the words of its makers, “an earth-shattering experience.” AKA, a great wank.
Fleshlight Launch photograph courtesy of Fleshlight.

Teledildonics. From the Ancient Greek τῆλε, "at a distance," and dildonics, uh, a sort of sexy portmanteau of "dildo" and "electronics." Honestly, the Ancient Greeks would probably be proud, if confused by concepts like "electronics," swiftly followed by "put them inside you."

You can probably figure out what "teledildonics" means, but if not: it's the future of fucking. It's the Internet of Things, in your pants. It's app-powered vibrators. It's sex toys that your partner can control from halfway around the world.

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It's also this new Fleshlight, which looks like a goddamn spaceship.

This sci-fi-like innovation in self-service is called the Fleshlight Launch, which is slightly disappointing—there's a world of space/sex puns out there, and they could have done way better. But how it works is far more impressive.

Much like a regular Fleshlight, you put your penis inside the shaft, and, using the penile version of a child's sensory play mat, it recreates the sensation of a (insert your preferred) "job." The difference with the Launch is that you use it while watching specially encoded VR porn synced up to the Fleshlight's movements. What's more, it's hands free—sit it on your lap, adjust the speed, switch on your goggles, and away you go. Say all you want about Orwellian predictions, he didn't predict this.

(Actually, I never finished Animal Farm, so I'm just going on the assumption that it didn't end up in a hyper-futuristic beast-on-beast orgy.)

Related, on VICE: The Gloriously Stupid History of Sex in Video Games

There's the slight issue of your device having to be precisely paired with what's going on on-screen, meaning that a dodgy Bluetooth connection could be the latest thing to ruin sex lives. But still, this is a small step for man, a massive 180-strokes-per-minute wank for mankind, and who knows where teledildonics will be in just a few more years. Dare we dream that Demolition Man might prove prophetic?

Sex toys used to be something tucked away at the back of your sock drawer, something instantly recognizable and potentially embarrassing. But, perhaps, not any more. I doubt most people would even imagine that the Launch was a sex toy, looking at it, at first at least, as a weird, avant-garde piece of art. And if you shell out $200 plus the cost of your own Fleshlight (not included), I don't blame you if you want to proudly display this futuristic sex-spaceship upon your mantel.

However, it looks like some of us are going to have to wait for the sex toy revolution. Vagina-centric future-facing sex toys are coming later… And, so, I assume, will we.