A few weeks ago, I went on a date with a handsome guy who didn’t like seafood. I ordered a full dozen oysters and took his polite refusal as fortuitous, then proceeded to tuck in while he watched on, looking half disgusted, half bemused, until I finally caught his expression.“What?” I asked, mid-chew.“You know oysters make you horny, right?”I rolled my eyes and decided I probably wouldn’t sleep with him, then wondered if there was any merit to his claim. Later that night, after I’d ditched my date, I went home and googled “do oysters make you horny?” only to find nothing conclusive. I discovered they’re loaded with zinc, which aids in the production of testosterone and increases sex drive for both men and women, but beyond that most of the scientific literature seemed very non-scientific.
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So, in the name of good science, I decided to put myself on a one-week oyster diet. The plan was to eat an increasing number of oysters every day at noon, exponentially upping my intake over a week. Aside from that I’d attempt to live normally, while journaling my sex drive, and hopefully discover whether there’s any correlation between oysters and libido—and, if so, how many oysters it takes to get horny.
Monday: one oyster
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Tuesday: two oysters
Wednesday: four oysters
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“We savour expensive foods when we see value and status in them,” Emily explained. “And if we’re savouring food and taking our time, the experience is heightened and therefore more pleasurable.”With that in mind, I headed to a wine bar to savour my four oysters and down some champagne. Admittedly I was feeling pretty good. Not horny; just in a mood that required champagne and a good book. But then this guy I’d been crushing on for a while happened to walk past. I motioned him to sit down and by some twist of fate, he had no plans. So we got drunk.Naturally, we ended up making out and I felt horny af… but we didn’t shag. I wanted to but it was just one of those nights it didn’t happen. Ugh!
Thursday: eight oysters
Friday: 16 oysters
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Saturday: 32 oysters
I had all these weird oyster-infused sex dreams. I was rolling around naked in the desert, making out with someone—I can’t remember who—and he kept telling me I tasted like oysters. Then I awoke from my nap feeling ready for some fun.I worked another shift at the bar, where I acquired two numbers, and then finally slept with the guy I’ve been crushing on for weeks (refer to Wednesday’s entry). Wow. THANK YOU OYSTER FAIRY. I mean, I feel like this dude had been on my mind for so long, and it all came to fruition in only a few days—which couldn’t be a coincidence, surely. It was the best sex I'd had in months and I felt exhausted, satisfied, and free.