50-Degree Days Will Soon Be Normal in Australia

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You know how people like me keep writing news stories about the oncoming global climate change apocalypse? And every time, the scientists sound a little more scared, a little more certain our race is doomed, that we've done too little too late to prepare ourselves for what's coming, and that things are only set to get worse? Given that the government keeps investing in coal power plants when we could run the entire country on renewable energy, and that Australia is a literal embodiment of the "This is fine" meme?

Guess this is another one of those news stories.

A new study from ANU researchers, AKA some of the best and brightest climate academics in the country, predicts that Melbourne and Sydney will experience increasingly extreme weather conditions within the next decade—even if, by some miracle, every country follows through on the Paris Agreement of keeping global average temperatures from rising by more than two degrees Celsius.

According to the research, released Wednesday, even if global temperatures increase by only two degrees, Sydney and Melbourne are set to experience extreme summer temperatures on the regular. "Major Australian cities, such as Sydney and Melbourne, may experience unprecedented temperatures of 50 degrees Celsius under 2 degrees of global warming," climate scientist and lead researcher Dr Sophie Lewis said in a media statement.

"Our climate modelling has projected daily temperatures of up to 3.8 degrees Celsius above existing records in Victoria and New South Wales, despite the ambitious Paris efforts to curb warming… one of the hottest years on record globally in 2015 could be an average year by 2025."

50-degree days don't make for dreamy summers on the beach eating Golden Gaytimes. They're deadly for elderly people, and can cause major infrastructure issues. Expect trains to stop because tracks are literally melting in the heat. Expensive, energy-consuming air conditioning will become mandatory for all households if they want to live comfortably.

So what can we do? You already know the answer to this question. "Urgent action on climate change is critical—the severity of possible future temperature extremes simulated by climate models in this study poses serious challenges for our preparedness for future climate change in Australia," Lewis said.

That's right: the government needs to do something to combat climate change, and it needs to do so right about… now. Sadly, the best we can probably hope for is some kind of national survey on whether or not people believe this shit is real. Start buying shares in air conditioning companies, everybody! Free advice from me to you.

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