Sports

I Hope This Tee Ball Story is True Because I Want to Meet This Psychopath

What was this coach expecting?
May 11, 2016, 9:27pm

Just to get all the particulars out of the way, it's possible this question posed on Reddit is a gag. It's Reddit, and Reddit is on the internet, so that always goes without saying. But it could also be real and, man, I really hope it's real. Just look at the title of the post, it's an instant hook: "How to deal with a difficult assistant tee ball coach." That is solid gold. There is a world of possibilities when you're talking about adults who are involved in kids' sports and this is tee ball. How can an assistant coach be difficult in tee ball? Let's dive in.

The assistant tee ball coach is difficult because he is a psychopath. It actually didn't require much diving at all:

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"One of my assistant coaches, while good intentioned, is causing me problems. Talking nonstop during the game, and giving the kids constant instructions on things they clearly don't understand - throwing to cutoff men, who covers the bases, which base to throw on a force out, etc. Most of these kids don't even know what an out is (every batter hits, no outs), nevermind which base to get the force at."

Look, man. These kids are, at most, six years old. Yasiel Puig doesn't even know how to hit the cutoff man and he's got, like, 20 years on these kids. Most of them probably just figured out how to avoid shitting themselves, I doubt they're going to be able to grasp the concept of a force out.

"I'm of the mind the kids should get less coaching during the games and just field the ball and throw it to first base. Individual instruction is fine, but the kids are being told every single play which fielder should get the ball and generally shutting down or getting confused because of it.

"He's also butting in on me as head coach, doing things his way, making things more complicated - making them bat in order by their uniform number rather than just lining up, individually assigning them positions based on number rather than the kids just running out and being moved around."

I want to know what this guy's expectations were going into his new gig as assistant coach for tee ball, which is basically a made up activity for human Weebles to test out that whole running without falling over thing. Like, did he know that tee ball is much closer to playing with a piñata than it is to the actual sport of baseball? Has he ever watched that video up there? Did he know that his players are more likely to eat their own boogers than they are sunflower seeds? Can kids this age count to ten and recognize patterns? Can they even talk? I honestly don't know.

The poor head coach who has a deranged lunatic for an assistant is looking for guidance and advice on how to handle the situation. Here's the best I've got: instead of tiny humans, pretend you have nine puppies on the team. Just throw the ball somewhere and let them tire themselves out.

[Reddit]