Filibustin' with Willie D - How to Heckle a Republican

Mitt Romney was talking so much shit at the 2012 NAACP National Convention in Houston last week, I had to check my TV to make sure it hadn't turned into a toilet. How can a man who is worth over 200 million dollars and has been rich for decades only have his daddy's civil rights record to discuss. You can do a whole lot of urban improvement when you've got that Romney money. Of course, he would never give back because he's stingy and doesn't really care about anybody, let alone black people. He just showed up at the NAACP Convention to score a few cheap claps and pats on the back.

I was surprised old Mitty was booed only once during his speech to the nation’s oldest civil rights organization (and an organization that votes overwhelmingly Democratic). If you listen closely you can count the number of people who actually clapped. They were the four or five black Republicans Romney flew in from Massachusetts. For the most part, the audience was cordial. That is, until Romney said he would eliminate Obamacare. That's where he really threw himself under the bus. He tried to say it fast—probably hoping nobody would notice—but the damage was done.

Romney made some bold claims about putting Americans back to work. He said that if elected president, “I’ll clamp down on cheaters like China and make sure they finally play by the rules and don’t steal our jobs." Now that’s funny. China didn’t have to steal anything, Romney gave them our jobs when he ran Bain Capital.

Speaking on Fox News later, Romney said, “I spoke with a number of African American leaders after the event and they said, 'You know, a lot of folks do not want to say they will not vote for President Obama.'” What he really meant was, “I have secret black friends, but I can’t tell you who they are because I don’t want to get the ‘help’ in trouble. I also have a secret healthcare reform plan. Elect me and I’ll tell you about it.”

Later in the day, after his NAACP speech, Romney spoke at a fundraiser in Montana. Pandering to his supporters, he stated that he doesn’t alter his message according to his audience. Is that right? Well, why didn't he start his speech in Montana off with quotes by historical black leaders like he did at the NAACP Convention? Dude quoted Martin Luther King and soul brother number two—James Brown is number one—Frederick Douglass just a few hours earlier. Maybe he didn’t use those quotes in Montana because the Tea Party and the NRA have some rule in their code of conduct that prevents members from recognizing black people who can read and write.

In all fairness, Romney’s NAACP speech wasn’t that bad. I mean he told his usual lies and stuck to the script. Some observers say he was brave to go into such hostile territory with his message. But just when he was scoring “brownie” points for his overrated oration, he stuck his foot in his mouth by accusing the Affordable Care Act supporters of wanting “free stuff.” Nice going, Mitt. By the way, what did you do with the free stuff that you got back in 1993? You know, the ten million dollars in government bailouts you received while at Bain?

The audience at the NAACP Convention went pretty easy on Mittens because they are too damn polite. It wouldn't have gone down like that if I'd been there—every time that fool opened his mouth, I would have stood up and yelled, “Stop lying, sucker!”

The next time you are forced to sit through a do-nothing, jive turkey public servant giving a lie-laced speech, just follow my lead. Below is a short list of actions you can take to let politicians know you mean business:

WILLIE D’S PLAN

Throw a Shoe
Practice your aim. However, if you plan to try this on George W. Bush, be careful—he has catlike reflexes.

Let Your Dog Do Your Dirty Work
Put a sign across your dog’s back that says, “I bark for politicians.”  When the politician reaches out to pet it, signal Rover to bite a new hole in his ass.

Release Noxious Gases 
Before start time, eat three and a half pounds of baked beans smothered in molasses and barbeque sauce. Then enter the venue and sit or stand as close to the front as possible. About five minutes into the speech, let it rip. Fill a few of your buddies up with some beans, too, and scatter them throughout the crowd for a maximum odiferous effect.

Write a Check
Nothing says, “Do as I say” to a politician like greasing their palms. Politicians will do anything for a dollar, so if you can pay one that you disagree with, that is even better. Buy a politician you don't like before a big speech and then control him like a Stepford wife. Pull their puppet strings and ask them to insert ridiculous things into their speech right before they hit the podium and completely ruin their career. It’s a cold-blooded move, but what can you do about it? Money talks and bullshit runs a marathon.

Previously - A DREAM Act Deferred

Willie D is a member of the legendary rap group the Geto Boys.

Follow him on Twitter: @WillieDLIVE