Welcome to Candy Land® … a world of sweet adventure! Come and visit some very special friends. Travel the path and stop along the way to explore the Peppermint Forest, the Gumdrop Mountains, and the Chocolate Swamp. As you do, don’t forget to visit fun-loving Gramma Nutt and beautiful Princess Frostine. But watch out for the ever-menacing Lord Licorice.
Candy Land’s opening statement sounds a lot like a pie-in-the-sky vision of the music business. Imagine some major-label twat—King Nose Kandy—in a strip club, shouting to a faux-hawked one-hit-wonder-in-waiting over “Rock Candy” by Montrose.
“It can all be yours—money, fame, drugs, warts,” he says, gesturingmagnanimously at a weary dancer’s gummi crotch while Sammy Hagar sings, “…hot, sweet and sticky!” Later that night, when the little rocker’s head hits the pillow, he’ll dream of being on top of Rock Mountain with Princess Frostine, enjoying her chocolate swamp.
Oh, to be a kid again. Life was sweeter then. You know, when rock ‘n’ roll dreams ended like that instead of in the horrifying reality—it’s not Frostine who’s gonna take it in a dank, dark place, it’s you.
But it’s fun for a while, being the gingerbread pawn hopping from colored space to colored space toward Nose Candy Castle. You even rationalize the ups and downs, how getting stuck in Gooey Gumdrops is gonna happen more often than riding the Rainbow Trail but, if you keep drawing cards, you’ll get to the top. Eventually.
Alas, Lord Licorice and his whorehounds wait around every candy cane corner. “King Nose Kandy is from an older version of the game,” he says. “He cares only about album sales. If you sign a 360-deal with me I’ll be with you every step of the way. Sure, I’ll get a taste at every stop, but didn’t your parents teach you to share and play fair?”
So you sign with one or the other and you enjoy the ride. You’re putting up big numbers on Billboard and iTunes and rave reviews from hipster blogs and dad-rockin’ magazines shower down on you like rainbow sprinkles. You teach Princess Frostine a thing or two about buttercream and do bongers with Gloppy and Mr. Mint during a package tour. King Nose Kandy continues to sniff around, trying to figure out how to get a piece of you. You dump Frostine (the tone-deaf bitch wanted to bark in your band) for Princess Lolly and entertain thoughts of settling down.
But your 360-deal nets you exactly $3.60. All the other players seem to draw the best cards, leaving you lost and alone in the Candy Cane Forest, pondering your next step. You may have to move back into ol’ osteoporotic Gramma Nutt’s peanut brittle house—or worse, go back to start. Lolly has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and you suspect she’s schtupping Gloppy, whose career is going better than yours. You’re bound to lose her when you reveal your ex, Frostine, wasn’t just “friends” with all those Ice Cream Seamen, and she left you a little something to remember her by.
Was it even worth playing in the first place?
Color Cards
Single color:Move forward to corresponding space. Denotes general career progress.
Double color:Move forward two corresponding spaces. Signifies a career boost/leg up/favor.
Character/Candy Cards
For all cards—except where noted—move forward or backward to corresponding space.
King Nose Kandy (wild card - move forward to next character/candy space):KNK atop a mountain of powder holding the husk of a Pixy Stix as a scepter.
Chocolate/Gloppy the Chocolate Monster:A slovenly metal-head with bloodshot eyes. Lone denizen of Chocolate Swamp.
Candy Cane/Mr. Mint (AKA Duke of Swirl):Dapper but disheveled; Jack White parody.
Lollipop/Princess Lolly:A Madonna-whore girlfriend-groupie: outwardly chaste and sweet, but with a slutty center.
Peanut Brittle/Gramma Nut:Frumpy old maid with brittle bones, deaf from allowing grandson’s band to practice at her place.
Ice Cream/Princess Frostine: Rock ‘n’ Roll Candy Land’s most prolific alpha-groupie/Yoko. Shown holding an ice cream cone like a microphone?
Gumdrop/Jolly:Portly underground-conscious hip-hop guy, sort of like the Fat Boys meets KRS-One meets Big Worm from Friday.
Plum/Plumpy:Meet Plumpy, your number-one fanboy/personal assistant. Green and chubby (like original character) with a slavish/sycophantic visage.
Licorice/Lord Licorice: Visually resembles Guy Fawkes, acts more like Snidely Whiplash. Holds cat o’ nine tails.
Events/Hazards
Rainbow Trail: You take the easy way and ride the current trend, or someone’s coattails. Sign to a vanity label. Effete sexually ambiguous dance-emo like Blood on the Dance Floor.
(Gooey Gumdrops) Gumdrop Mountains: You’re mired in a creative and commercial rut!
Gumdrop Pass: You’re not proud of it, but you did something to advance your career.
(Stuck in) Chocolate Swamp: You get stuck in Chocolate Swamp! Your project is shelved and you’re stuck in a contract while management undergoes some changes.
(Lost in) Lollipop Woods: You became lost in Lollipop Woods while navigating the convoluted workings of the music business. Lose a turn or move immediately after yelling, “Who do I have to suck off around here to get ahead?”
Locations/Landmarks
Nose Candy Castle: You did it! But don’t get complacent. King Kandy’s alright when you’re making him money, but one dud album and you’ll be a step away from doing gay-for-pay.
Ice Cream Sea: The domain of Princess Frostine, Candy Land’s number-one groupie/Yoko-in-waiting. Doubles as a naval base populated by Ice Cream Seamen.
Peanut Brittle House: Gramma Nutt’s poorly built hut. Pre- and post-fame home to player. Available to player for convalescence or post-fame reclusivity.
Licorice Forest: Dark, gnarly forest. Smells like Jägermeister and Axe body spray.
Gingerbread Plum Tree: Home to Plumpy, your biggest and oldest fan.
Candy Cane Forest: Home to Mr. Mint (AKA Duke of Swirl). Smells great, but there’s an underlying stench of desperation and compromise.
By Randay Harward with Henry Owings and Brian Teasley
Previously – The Sad Cult of Steel Panther