
I recently had a date. It ended in a kiss and afterward she said, “We need to teach you how to kiss.” I had no idea I was a bad kisser! We have another date next week and I need some tips on how to kiss like a champ.-BrianLady Bun Sucks Your FaceIf you are a lady with this problem, pay very close attention: Knowing how to kiss is important because it shows men you’ve used your mouth for something other than vocalizing feelings or screaming at yogurt. In fact, studies show that women who are bad at kissing are socio-economically worth less than most shitty kids in the third world. Some countries even use bad women kissers to test out dangerous shampoos, or as much cheaper prostitutes. But hope isn’t lost. Thanks to my limited knowledge and your willingness to use your mouth for just about anything, these tips will take you from smoochin’ to coochin’ in no time.
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· Let him teach you! The old cherry stem trick is a great way to learn how to kiss together. Just have him put a cherry stem in your mouth and then try to tie it in a knot using only his penis.
· Use your crippling insecurity to your advantage! Think of kissing as your tongue searching for a compliment inside his mouth. The answer to, “Am I skinny or pretty enough” is probably hidden somewhere between his gums!
· The term “kiss” comes from the Latin for “mouth war,” so remember to treat your kissing like Vietnam and make it long, violent, and pointless.Here are some “ice breakers” that are sure to set the mood for some mouth to mouth time:
· “In college people called me the kissing bandit because I loved kissing and also I was arrested for grand larceny four times.”
· “You know how to rape whistle, don’t you? You just put your lips together and call 911.”
· “Wanna play seven minutes in heaven? That’s where we go in the closet and I try to dress you like the last guy who dumped me.”Hot Dog Slobbers You Up First off, Brian, let’s stop saying “like a champ” unless you’re currently living inside a Foot Locker. Secondly, kissing is one of the easiest things in the world to do, but it’s surprising how many guys mess it up. Lucky for you I have a foolproof plan to make you a better kisser in just nine easy steps. Remember, a good kisser practices CONFIDENCE, ORAL, LOVE, OLIVES, SECRETS, TATTOO, OLIVES (again), METER, and YACK. I know that sounds like a lot, but use this easy pneumonic device to help you remember: Cats Of Lisbon! Overthrow Soviet Tigers! Or Make Yogurt! It also spells this handy acronym: COLOSTOMY. I know what you’re thinking! “Quit being a such a love nerd and talk to me like I’m a PERSON!” Right?!?!! What does all this techno-speak mean! Well, have no fear, here’s the breakdown to my easy-to-follow steps to being a better kisser: 1. CONFIDENCE! Women want to feel like you’re sweeping them off their feet! Try kicking her legs out from underneath her the next time you kiss! Then hold her upright with your tongue!
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