Where's the Weirdest Place You've Whacked It?

Photo by gaelx

Depending on your sex drive, your relationship status and your current level of employment, it's likely that you get the urge to beat the bait, take a five finger solo, have a freelancer's lie down – whatever you want to call it – at least once every couple of days. Sometimes, however, that urge comes at a time when you don't have direct, immediate access to a toilet, a quiet room or anywhere with a lockable door.

But that shouldn't stop you. A guy was arrested in Kentucky a couple of days ago for breaking into a fire station, smashing the gear cupboards open and jerking it over the fire fighters' equipment. When asked why, he responded, "Because I wanted to." Which is perfectly fair enough. We wanted to know if anyone in the UK has gone to such desperate measures to masturbate, so went to ask the people of London a question: where's the weirdest place you've whacked it?

Ahmed: The weirdest place I masturbated was definitely in the sea off the coast of Al Latakia in Syria. I was about chest deep in the sea and I was like give me a little something, baby – here you go. Is that weird enough for you guys? Mediterranean enough?

VICE: Okay, so what's the second weirdest place?
I mean, as a kid it must have been everywhere. Like, I don’t know – on a bus? Maybe. I was very subtle; no one saw.

You're an expert wanker.
Well, yeah. I don’t do it that much any more. I had enough practice when I was a kid.

Have you ever been caught?
You know what, I have never been caught. Well, not to my knowledge. I mean, someone may have caught me and left without me noticing. I've walked in on someone before, but that's too traumatic to talk about. It was truly fucked up.

Thanks, Ahmed. I'll watch myself next time I get on the bus.

Sarah, 17, shop assistant: Umm, I don’t know. I wouldn’t say anywhere.

Have you ever masturbated?
No! Well, ah, no, I wouldn’t say that, but I don’t know? The thought of it makes me puke.

So you get enough sex as it is?
Yeah. Well, I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago, so you know.

Have you ever walked in on someone masturbating?
Kind of. I walked in on two people having sex. It was my mate and her boyfriend in her bedroom and I was asleep on the top bunk. They were making heaps of noise and the bed was shaking – it was so awkward.

Were you angry at them the next day?
No, I just kind of laughed at them.

That's always the best course of action.

Ed, 27, onesie retailer: Um, a tree, probably.

A tree? How does that work?
Well, I had a bit of help. It was in Chile. That’s all I’m going to give you.

I think that's the most enigmatic wank I've ever heard about. Has anyone ever caught you in the act? 
No, thank god. I think I might have caught one of my friends at school once, though. I walked into the room and noticed him reacting hastily to something, but I didn't really think anything of it. Now I realise that he was definitely masturbating.

Adam, 31, marketer: In my boss’s toilet. They were all out, I was bored and I had time to kill, so I thought 'Why not?' And they work from home, so it was in their actual bathroom that they use every day. In went straight down the sink, so unfortunately no toothbrushes were touched.

Gross.

James, 25, PR: Hmm, I reckon in a hut in Africa. I was building a school there and I needed a break – it was really stressful – so I went to bash one out in a hut. It helped. I didn't get caught or anything, so it was fine.

Does building schools turn you on?
No. It was not a sexy place. I wasn't really getting any sex there so that was my only option.

Fair enough.

Previously - How Do You Feel About Combining Sex and Food?