After being repeatedly defiled by Darcy Tucker, Gary Roberts and that chain smoking Swede Mats Sundin in the 2004 playoffs, as a Sens fan you can imagine I’m reveling in the carnival of fuck-ups that has become the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey Club. It’s no secret, the team has managed to be the saddest squad in hockey by missing the playoffs for what’s now an NHL worst seven-year absence. The fucking Florida Panthers, a team that statistically has three fans and as many all-time wins, looks like a success story in comparison.Besides their loyal fan base who crawl out of Whitby or Cobourg and are too optimistic (read: retarded) to abandon ship, this team really has zero redeeming qualities other than being a cautionary tale for all professional sports teams. If it wasn’t for the depressing conglomoration of mouth-breathers known as "Leafs Nation", I’d be pretty content watching this team deteriorate, but their misguided devotion makes me cringe. They can’t help it though, half of them are this guy, living out in small town Ontario getting shitfaced and speaking a dialect of English none of us can understand.The chief reason for the Leafs chronic failure is the hiring three years ago of an affable cunt named Brian Burke, as General Manager, who was then let to run a train on the franchise with his buddies without any detractors. For those of you who don’t already know, this permanently pink, squintaholic is an abortion of hockey management. Not only can he never seem to tie his fucking tie right, including times when he just says “fuck it, it’s too complicated” and decoratively slings it over his shoulders for no other reason but to look pensive, the guy is a condescending Harvard Law grad with a superiority complex. Burke mortgaged the future of the Leafs by trading a series of first round picks to Stanley Cup Champions Boston Bruins for a pudgy and underperforming Phil Kessel, then went out of his way to trade for the nasally sounding Dion Phaneuf who’s the type of douchey white guy who wears huge Ed Hardy crosses, and dates talentless actresses most hockey players have already crashed their custard truck into, and then made him captain. On top of it all he’s so relentlessly shitty, he finds the time to talk smack to other General Managers. Like Kevin Lowe, the Hall of Fame defenseman and former GM of the Edmonton Oilers, who Burke was uncouth enough to literally challenge to a fight in a fucking barn, then accuse Lowe of being an inept GM. Cavalier for a guy who reaped the benefits of a Stanley Cup win from Bryan Murray, the now GM of Ottawa, who practically architected his winning team for him. To the media he’s a mad dictator, scolding and black listing reporters who ask him fair questions about his failing tenure as Leafs GM, and outright attempting to oust Don Cherry from his position on CBC for criticizing his beloved coach and friend Ron Wilson, who he then fired right after anyway. I’ll concede that Burke deserves some plaudits for being the only GM in pro sports man enough to support gay rights for athletes, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s just another Ivy League bloodsucker popping his collar and fucking things up for the rest of us peasants who only have our hockey teams to console us during the impending recession. The really sad thing is, with a weak free agency pool and a really thin 2012 draft class, Leaf fans are stuck with the current squad for the foreseeable future, unless Burke somehow manages to trade for another fat-fuck 30 goal scorer who can underperform with the rest of the donkeys playing on the roster. One thing is for sure, Burke’s little charade as untouchable hockey deity is over and now everyone knows he’s just like any other shitty boomer in need of anger management and a suit that actually fits.
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