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WORLD CUP OF EVIL: ENTER THE NORTH KOREANS

We're rattling through these now, so we can get to the knock-out rounds. Hey look, it's the Brazil of evil!

NORTH KOREA Historical evil: Obviously it’s all right here, but did you know that Mr. Kim Jong-Il is Hennessey’s biggest single customer? He racks up something close to a $700,000 tab a year. The young girls he recruits to become part of his “joy brigades” get to enjoy the finer things in life with him in his “pleasure palace.” When Kim Jong Il’s son was found at large in Japan, he told reporters that all he wanted to do was go to the Disneyland there. Football evil: It’s impossible not to love their team. I mean, did you see their guy crying when the national anthem was on? How can a team with that guy in it be evil? BRAZIL

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Historical evil: Encouraging people from the U.S. and Northern Europe to take up samba dancing, capoeira, and to have carnivals was a big fucking mistake. Football evil: If I hear one more person talk about the joga bonito (“beautiful game” or some shit) and how great Brazil are (except not at this World Cup, at this World Cup they are “functional”) I swear to God I’ll do capoeira all over them. Football is about long balls and running a lot. It’s about dourness, not entertainment, and the actual thing about Brazil’s beautiful playing is that it goes hand in hand with massive cheating and lots of diving. Here’s one time legend Rivaldo showing you how to do it. PORTUGAL

Historical evil: Portugal referred to their colony Angola as a province in an attempt to stop it being de-colonized. They wouldn’t let any of their overseas territories have flags. They established a booming slave trade in Angola and tried to keep the country by fighting a long civil war that claimed the lives of millions. They also gave the world port, a drink whose deadly addictive qualities claimed many a foolish British toff, including that guy from Keane, who used to put away two bottles a day. Football evil: This is the best kind of evil, greasy haired pretty boy Ronaldo winking to the camera like a cheeky pirate after getting his teammate Rooney sent off. The best thing about that is the ridiculous patriotic commentary: Alan Shearer and Ian Wright, two stone cold idiots, going on about how English players are “too honest” and never surround the ref. So, the English are thicker, but the Portugal team all look like they could have been wheeler-dealer brigands in a 17th century Mediterranean port. COTE D’IVOIRE

Historical evil: It’s hard to point the finger at the Ivorians when the English-speaking world has been so bad at recognizing that the country’s real name is no longer the "Ivory Coast.” Just because "Cote D’Ivoire" includes no English words doesn’t mean we should go around calling it the Ivory Coast like Cecil Rhodes talking about his chaps down in Salisbury, Rhodesia. Recently, a load of toxic waste was dumped in the capital Abidjan by the oil-trader Trafigura and it’s Ivorian sub-contractor, Tommy (yes, that’s an actual name of a company). This may or may not have led to a bunch of deaths and it may or may not be classed as evil. Football evil: Something happens to Didier Drogba when he steps on to the football pitch. He’s not the caring African hero who builds hospitals and raps anymore. He’s the oversized cheat who spends at least 12 minutes of every game rolling around on the floor. Here are some of his best moments. Try and ignore the Frattellis soundtrack. VERDICT I guess cos of the dictatorship and weapons and everything North Korea wins the group, Portugal coming out in second because of their massive piratical love of evil.

  • North Korea
  • Portugal
  • Brazil
  • Cote D’Ivoire

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