FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

DEAR VICE - HIRE COMRADE SNARKY

We got a YouTube job application from a certain Garrett Faber AKA Comrade Snarky. In this rough guide to himself, Snarky talks about his love of photography, dancing, sex, sushi, Chuck Palahniuk and Lindsay Lohan. Would you hire this guy?

Dear Vice,

I'd like to write for Vice Magazine. I'm 20, I'm from Lancaster, PA and here are some samples of the things I do…

Here's my magazine, Shockadelica. Here's my photography. Here's a video of me, made especially for magazine editors.

Advertisement

Here's some articles…

Like all good things these days, it started on MySpace.

Steve had his date, I had mine. I don't drink for the simple reason that I fucking hate the taste of alcohol. It tastes like poison to me. That night I had absolutely no plans to get drunk. Ha. Steve was focused on making a good impression on this girl, Lura. He met her on MySpace and this was their first time meeting. Some people get weird about meeting people "from the internet", but if you ask me, its just as bad as meeting someone at Park City, or the CHA, or the hospital. The internet, MySpace is a safer bet because for one thing, you get all this persons information upfront, what school they went to, their height, weight, if they're single or not, who they're friends with, etc etc. Anyone who calls the MySpace Movement pathetic just doesn't know what they're doing. MySpace is like any good tool, it is what you make of it. If you have stupid dipshit friends leaving you lame picture comments then that's your own damn fault.

Separation came; Steve was upstairs meditating, or masturbating, something upstairs in his room. The fridge was full of alcohol, beers and TV dinners. They would all be consumed very soon. I was alone in his living room waiting for these girls to show. Once again, Steve had Lura, and I had Lindsay. I was briefed on the situation earlier, I had even sent her a note, which she sent a nice little reply to, I wasn't expecting too much in terms of excitement that night, that was, until I answered the door.

Advertisement

I swung the door open as I heard the faint knock. The first thing I remember about Lura was that she had an amazing rack. Later, Lindsay and I would talk about Lura'a rack. Lindsay's rack was fine, but it wasn't anything to write home about. What can I say? I love boobs. They're kind of a prerequisite; I won't date any chick with a flat chest. I just have to stay true to myself. First impressions are very important, the first living image of me they would ever see, would be me violently swinging a door open and yelling "Heyyyyyyyyyy" just like Chad I. Ginsburg from CKY had done at the show at the Cha, months before. It breaks the ice, it knocks you off guard when someone's already hyper and energetic and excited, just from opening a door. This maniac burst of energy was me. They were the surprised girls on the other side of the door. Hopefully all awkwardness was gone?

I'd introduced myself, and we went looking for Steve, of course, simply walking up stairs into Steve's room was boring. I had to make a game out of it, so I directed them to sneak up the steps to Steve's room, where I kicked in the door. I was honestly expecting to see him in there, pants down, finger in his asshole, checking his prostate. He wasn't doing anything except….sitting there. Maybe he was very focused or something. To this day I have no idea what he was doing, or why he was up there. Lura and Steve ended up hanging out alone upstairs, I figured they just wanted to make out, which was understandable, we were some fairly attractive teenagers without a care in the world. Plus, in Lancaster, there really isn't too much to do besides socialize and terrorize. It doesn't have the windows and doors of New York; it's the tumbleweed city for anyone under 21.

Advertisement

The first thing I noticed about Lindsay was that she was dressed in a very weird way. Not weird like, "who the fuck is this?" weird, but weird like "individually stylistic" weird. Understand? She was beautiful though, and I remember me being brash and cocky enough to simply ask her if she wanted to make out. This was before we started drinking, mind you. Later I would hear that everyone swore I was drunk, but I swear, I wasn't drunk until after me and Lindsay had oral sex in Steve's basement. If you're reading this now, then I apologize. The truth is, that night when we were together, I didn't expect too much from you. If I had known things would have unfolded they way they did, then I would have tried to make our first kiss more special than on Steve's fucking couch.

So basically we go from making out on Steve's couch/ livingroom floor, to doing shots in his kitchen. Up into this point of my life, I had never done more than a sip of alcohol and maybe had a few Heinekens or some shit like that. However, we were doing shots with chasers, my chaser was Pepsi, or Coke, or Mr. Pib or something, it was some black soda. I do remember that. I have no idea what alcohol we were drinking, does it matter? It all tastes like shit anyway, spare me, boozehounds and alcobumbums, it doesn't matter to me. We do our couple of shots and I'm fine, we go up and check on Steve and Lura, and they're cuddling watching blues clues or some shit. Everything was fine.

Advertisement

We go down to the basement, Steve's basement is a hellhole, there are a million open bottles of Pepsi there from like, 1963 and a ton of old porno magazines. His computer was also down there, and we checked out MySpaces while I lay on Steve's beanbag chair. Lindsay played some Morningwood and proclaimed that they were her favorite band. I really tried to get into them but they do absolutely nothing for me. Out of respect for you, I won't say they suck, I'll say that I don't like them. Ironically enough, Lindsay had gotten a friend request from a girl that I had actually had sex with on that previous Easter Sunday. True story. Small City.

I think I actually started getting drunk at this point, because Lindsay and I ended up making out again. Except this time, clothes started coming off, and I'm pretty sure we would have had sex if Lindsay wasn't a virgin. Instead of having sex, I ate her out. I barely remember this. However, I do remember doing a great job, because she was really into it. She flat-out refused to give me head though, she was obviously more sober than I was, so I kind of ended up standing there holding my dick. The clothes went back on, and we went back upstairs to check on Steve and Lura. At this point of the night, I was more than a little buzzed; I actually ended up falling over a table and landing on Steve and Lura's collective lap. I didn't know this at the time, but Lindsay really didn't want to be alone with me at this point but Lura was oblivious. So Lindsay and I went back downstairs.

Advertisement

For the record, if that situation was with someone who wasn't me, as in, Lura and Steve had left Lindsay with some random psycho, then yeah bad shit could have happened. Luckily for everyone, I'm not a random psycho. It is odd to me though that Lindsay couldn't tell Lura that she didn't want to be alone with me, and also odd that Lura would just leave her alone with me because she was watching Kickboxer 2 with Steve. I didn't realize it at the time, but shit like that happens all the time. Girls get raped because they get drunk and fuck around and their friends don't really give a shit, or they do but they're too scared to do anything about it. I think Lindsay wasn't sure about me or what I would do, considering this was the first time we ever met and just 10 minutes before, I had my lips on her vagina.

We're making out again on Steve's floor in front of his bigscreen plasma television. Lindsay is an amazing kisser, I'm thinking, and then something weird happens. The room starts spinning and I'm fucked up and dizzy and I don't know what's happening. How much did I drink? Was I drunk? This, ladies and gentlemen is what drunken college kids call "The Spins".

I tell Lindsay, "I'm gonna throw up." she says, "Can I watch?"

I ended up standing directly to the right of the toilet, throwing up loudly and violently. My puke was black from all those sodas, I aim my black dead puke from mouth to the toilet but it ends up all over the floor and the walls. I end up laughing loudly. The girls end up leaving without really saying goodbye. I take my shirt off again and slouch down by the toilet; everyone else is fine of course. I puke all over my pants and Steve throws them away and gives me a pair of his Dickies which I still have to this day. He breaks out the camera and films me groaning and spitting up into the toilet, the clips end up on youtube.

Advertisement

From this part, I remember crawling out of the bathroom and down the stairs like that bitch from The Ring. I crawl from the stairs to the couch, and since my stomach was totally empty, Steve made me some of those great TV dinners. I can't eat the first one, so it just sits out for the rest of the night; I wake up in the morning, cook another one, and eat the old one too.

I forget the rest.

=========================

10 Songs You Need To Hear….Now.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to pick just one Prince song to mention on this list, what about just one Placebo song? It was quite the task but, here we are, 10 of the best songs you've probably never heard. These songs range from dark and dank to light and poppy, either way, find these, rip them off a mix CD, download them from ITunes, whatever, just put these songs in your brain, and quickly. Befriend these songs as if they were Myspace Ho's!

1. Artist: Prince
Song: Shockadelica
Album: The B-Sides
The Story: The reason is Camille! There's something amazing about hearing Prince's high pitched, distorted voice singing this hip shaking ode to a girl who "must be a witch" who "never wears a stitch". Why it didn't make it onto the "Sign O The Times" album? Does anyone know what "Starfish and Coffee" is supposed to mean?

2. Artist: Lovedrug
Song: Happy Apple Poison
Album: Everything Starts Where It Ends
The Story: It sounds like his voice is being distorted, but it isn't! Michael Sheppard really sings like this! This song tells the familiar tale of message sending lions and pistols at noon. Find yourself in a romantic stalemate and swallow some Happy Apple Poison.

Advertisement

3. Artist: Placebo
Song: Haemoglobin
Album: Black Market Blood
The Story: Legend has it, this song is about the southern lynchings from the mid-19th to the mid-20th centuries. Others say it's about being a victim of the media, or simply being a victim. The drum pounds frantically like a rapid heartbeat, the lyrics are some of the heaviest Brian Molko has ever written. Is this song about death or rebellion? Is there a difference?

4. Artist: HIM
Song: I've Crossed Oceans Of Wine To Find You
Album: Right Here In My Arms Single
The Story: This is one of the best HIM songs, ever, hands down. How is it possible to sing a song like this when you smoke 60 cigarettes per day and have asthma?

5. Artist: Regina Spektor
Song: Chemo Limo
Album: Soviet Kitsch
The Story: "Style" The touching story of a mother of four diagnosed with cancer, Benjamin Franklin is her babysitter. The haunting piano rhythm adds to the urgency of the situation. Does she live or die?

6. Artist: Nirvana
Song: Milk It
Album: In Utero
The Story: They don't usually have this song in Karaoke bars, but they should. Kurt Cobain sounds so genuinely angry on one of the most underrated Nirvana songs of all time. No need to spend 3 days downloading Outcestide for 3 versions of "Mrs. Butterworth."

7. Artist: Daniel Bedingfield
Song: Gotta Get Thru This (Acoustic)
Album: Gotta Get Thru This
The Story: The super pop techno boogie mix was cool, but this version was just immaculate. Learn to play this on acoustic guitar and then proceed to belt out streetlight serenades to whoever will give you the time of day. Ladies, gentlemen, random people walking by on the streets, whoever, just play it and play it with soul, and you may sound as cool as Daniel Bedingfield.

Advertisement

8. Artist: Daft Punk
Song: Harder Better Faster Stronger
Album:Discovery
The Story: Just between you and me, Kanye West is using a sample of this song for a song on his new album. Good choice Kanye! This is probably the best song to do the robot to. The video has aliens being kidnapped by some evil dictator dude. Whatever happened to those aliens anyway?

9. Artist: System Of A Down
Song: This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song
Album: Mezmerize
The Story: Somewhere on this internet it says this song is a protest about eating fish poisoned with drugs, or something, whatever. This is the best song to rock out to, while driving down the highway with your friends playing air drums and screaming, spazzing out and having a good time. It doesn't matter what the lyrics are about, for all we know it could be about upholstery loving men.

10. Artist:Joe Budden
Song: Dumb Out
Album: Mood Muzik 2: Can It Get Any Worse?
The Story: In a land of Young Jeezy's and Young Jocs, Lil Waynes and Lil Kims, Joe Budden is the most underrated rapper ever, and also one of the best rappers of our time. No seriously, listen to Mood Muzik 2.

=========================

Heroin Addiction and You

A cafe within a bookstore with my usual crew of misfits and debutaunts. I'm prone to eavesdropping so I overhear this exchange from the cafe cashier and some random person, it goes like this: "You know about White China? That's a type of drug in New York, ever heard of it?" Me, being the smartass I am, I've got to interviene this, intravenous. I say "Excuse me Sir, don't you mean China White? That's an east coast type of heroin, Black Tar is the west coast kind". I only know this because I read "Heavier Than Heaven"…in case you're wondering.

The barrista looks at me, thanks me and says "Damn, I'm really behind on my drug info."

It's been a long time since we've had any kind of assembly in school, getting us out of whatever stupid class we didn't want to go to in the first place (unless it's art or gym). It doesn't seem like too many people were paying attention, because the drug scene is huge in Lancaster, not just the crack epidemic of the ghetto's. Selling drugs, and being a fucking dickhead is now the cool thing for most mainstream hip hop fans to do. Thats another story entirely. Anyway, the drug scene isn't just in the ghettos and inner city anymore, it's in the suburbs, where it's very suprising to see your average 16 year old shooting heroin.

Just for the record, Heroin mimics endorphins, the same shit you get in your brain when you have an orgasm, fall in love, or eat chocolate. Feeling low? Buy some happy feelings from your nearest drugdealer and needle fuck yourself. It was also a legit medicine in the early 1900's, marketed by Bayer, named "Heroin" because the users felt well…"Heroic". It was a cough medicine for children, lucky bastards.

A friend of mine was declared legally dead for two minutes after overdosing on a "speedball". The speedball is intense, it's a mix of heroin and cocaine, usually injected. Coke speeds up the heart, wears off, and then the Heroin slows down the heart so quickly that the heart can't handle it. Luckily for her, she was revived. John Belushi, Chris Farley, River Phoenix, Mitch Hedberg, Brent Mydland and plenty of other fine folks have died from this deadly duo. The story gets better, follow along.

I actually got to speak to this dear friend of mine about her drug use. She had gone to rehab and was reportedly clean, but she spoke about her drug use in such an obscene way that it scared the hell out of me.
She told me that doing heroin was hands down, one hundred percent the best feeling in the world. The best feeling in the world? Can you imagine that? Being a young girl, with parents bitching at you, boys trying to fuck you, midterms to pass, and all the other troubles of a normal teenager instantly disappear with one solid gesture. The best feeling in the world.

Putting the needle in her arm, seeing her blood in the syringe would fill her with excitingment, knowing that she would be high soon. Once she was high, she could be happy, experiencing life with her head underwater, all her troubles a football field away. She truely had a chemical romance, no pun intended. Did this drug love her back? Fuck no. It killed her once and she was brought back, she was bitten by the beast but she was still in love. I don't know what happened to my good friend, it's been a while since I've spoken to her, but I hope to God she's broken away from her lucid addiction.

So, if you have a friend who's got a drug problem, do something about it.