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FIVE FILMS THAT JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE IS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT

I know it's cliche, but I love

Showgirls

. I've watched it about once a week for the last five years. When I'm not watching

Showgirls

I'm watching films that look equally as shitty in the hope that they might be in the same league. Sadly, nothing is (and yes, I've seen

The Room,

stop telling me about it, already).

Southland Tales

got pretty close, but it's about an hour too long, and lacked that crucial sexy element. Here are five films coming out this year that I'm hoping can fill my void.

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The Runaways

I don't think I've ever been as excited about a movie as I am about this one. I must have watched the trailer 400,000 times. It has everything I could ever want in a movie: Punk rock! Kristen Stewart's underbite! Feminism! 15-year-old Dakota Fanning being uncomfortably sexy! Apathy! Sexist men telling women they can't rock! Confusing drug references! Racist depictions of Japanese people! What appears to be Kristen Stewart THROWING Dakota Fanning through the air (seriously, it's at 0:49, WTF is happening?)! Mum hair! Lesbianism! Overcoming adversity! Also, I read in an interview with Kristen Stewart where she said that Joan Jett was on set screaming "PUSSY TO THE WOOD! FUCK YOUR GUITAR!" during the performances scenes. Shudder.

Salt

Sorry to reference

Family Guy

, but have you ever seen

that epiosde

that opens with a montage of shitty action movie cliches? Like, Meg shouting, "Whaddya mean cut the blue wire? They're ALL blue wires!!" and Brian pacing up and down and saying, "Everyone I've told about the file is dead!" Well, whoever wrote that should really sue the producers of

Salt

. It's EXACTLY the same. Sample quote: "I'M INNOCENT! SOMEBODY'S SETTING ME UP!!" Also, whoever styled this movie shouldn't have put someone as mutant-esque as

Angelina in a pair of skin colored heels. They look like they're her actual feet.

Beastly

And ugly people everywhere breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you Vanessa Hudgens for teaching us that unsightly people can be desirable too. If he can learn to love someone as disgusting and grotesque as you, maybe I also have a shot at happiness.

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Furry Vengeance

Remember when Brendan Fraser used to be famous? That was weird. I watched this trailer thinking the "furry" in the title referred to the fetish. Unfortunately, it doesn't. Which is a shame, that would have been funny. On reflection doesn't the title sound like something Joan Jett might call her book?

Remember Me

In case his hair, cheekbones and heroin chic-ness didn't tip you off already, Robert Pattinson is the deepest actor of our generation. As if you really needed it, this trailer offers more evidence to his depth: He partially quotes Ghandi, he wears a plaid shirt, he doesn't give A FUCK what his father thinks, he smokes indoors, his apartment has dirty windows and a beaded curtain, he talks global politics, his major is undecided (and to him, "major" is a metaphor for "life"), he breaks windows, he spends at least a scene in a library, he is righteously indignant, he fights for his girlfriend's honor, he rides a fixed gear bike, he isn't afraid to talk back… I think that covers everything. Also, I read that, before filming

Twilight

, he spent two weeks living alone in the wilderness to, "Really connect to the isolation that Edward feels." Douchebag.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE