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Vice Blog

Suburbia Still Sucks - Dear Vice

We couldn't resist publishing Razzmatazz's first letter to Vice too, where she explains the origins of her fake band. This is probably an example of her best writing and photography, as she included a full resume and asked to be included in Vice. We only wish we'd come up with such great cover letters.

Dear Vice,

I am writing to share with you a funny story about our "girls night out" last Thursday. Five of my friends and I all met up to eat sushi. We are all very attractive (some  of us are tattooed) 22-23 year-olds with nice bodies (might I add). As we got drunk on sake and stuffed our faces with miso soup and California rolls, our dinner conversation was a classic one! We all have boyfriends yet all have lesbian tendencies. So while we all one by one shared stories about past experiences, threesomes, sex-toys and anal sex, we laughed and talked very loudly, forgetting we were not the only ones in the restaurant. I couldn't help but notice the stares and whispers from other tables by the 40-year-old yuppie soccer moms with their rugrats, cringing with disgust and almost choking. I loved it soo much! But I am getting to the best part! Before we paid the bill we all went outside to smoke cigarettes. Damn New York and their smoking laws.

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But it was a beautiful day out so whatever! As we stood outside in a circle and smoked, along came a man in his late 40s, walked up to us in his faded and stained baseball cap, a t-shirt of a band I never heard of and a ripped pair of Levis older than him. Of course he has to stop and asks, "Where are you girls from?" and I, with my quick thinking, answer, "Jersey," as I kick my friend Kathy next to me to play along. We love fucking with perverted losers.

He then proceeds to ask if we all know each other…Jessica says yes, and I try to keep a straight face. While our conversations with each other go on this asshole just stands there, a little too close for comfort! This goes on for about five more minutes. He then asks if we are "in a band or something." I say yes again and he smiles, and of course he is missing a tooth. So perfect. He stands there a little bit longer and now Corinne is getting a little uncomfortable and keeps saying, "Guys, we need to pay the bill," about ten times like a broken record. This creep just stands there, staring at our tits! We decide this man is getting really fucking annoying and we extinguish our cigarettes, some of us mad, because we weren't done and had to waste a cigarette on this poor pathetic lost soul! We walk back into the restaurant nearly pissing ourselves, thinking about this fucking old groupie trying to talk to our pretend girl band. But ever since a week ago, that outing has been an ongoing joke among us. We've spent countless hours thinking about the perfect name for our band. So while I was doing some major "summer cleaning" I came across my old Jem dolls. I had Jem, a member of her band (I don't know the name) and Jem's boyfriend Rio, that purple-haired fag! The doll itself, similar to a Ken doll, is ripped with a six-pack stomach and a huge bulge!…oh and purple pants. Jem was wearing her shiny, tacky, short neon pink dress with her bright pink hair and lo and behold, switch the button on the back of her neck and her star earrings still lit up. Motherfucker, the battery isn't dead after all these years!

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As for the other doll, she had neon red hair, a headband and only had a shirt on…that little slut. They are sitting on my windowsill now. I took a picture of them with my cellphone and texted Kathy with it! She texted me back saying she nearly had a heart attack from laughing so hard. So, inspired by Jem and her band, we decided to call our band "Beauty Queen Terror Squad." We wear razorblade rope necklaces and like to set things on fire. Our rival band is (from the cartoon Jem) a band called "The Misfits," but we added "Cretin Misfits" in front of it, because we don't want to bite off the cartoon completely! Do you remember one of them was named Pizazz and had piss yellow hair? Who the fuck made these dolls anyway? Probably some 40-year-old soccer mom from Jersey in the '80s who used to have teased hair and was a slut! I can't believe I used to play with these trashy dolls when I was little!

We also decided that our manager would be a purple-haired tranny named Rio who would rock knee-high pink sparkle Doc Martens, cause we used to wear them back in the day, we were such bad-asses! Our first album is going to be called "Kinky as a Cheap Garden Hose," inspired by the sticker I had bought at Tower Records before our sushi dinner and had given to Kathy as a gift. I enclosed a copy of them with this letter. So we are going to dress up as our band for Halloween and I thought of names for us cause I'm so damn creative! Or should I say sick and twisted!

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We have names based on the color of our eye shadow, which we really wear. I am "Razzmatazz Pizzazz" because I wear pink eye shadow. I told Kathy she was "Lyme," like the poison, cause she wears a bright green that brings out her beautiful green eyes!

There is also Corinne who wears white, and we call her "Iciclez," Kimmy who wears gold, we call her "Lemonade," Jess who wears blue, we call her "Mercury" (also poisonous) and Tasha wears black so we call her "Tar." You might think we all have too much time on our hands, but we don't, we are so fucking serious and I think it's soo goddamn funny! All because of a pathetic old pervert who was staring at our tits! I just hope when we have our first gig there is a decent cover so none of those creeps show up! I hope you put this in your magazine because we support Vice magazine and read it like the bible (and we own both books!) and besides we are hot!

<3 always Razzamatazz Pizzazz AKA Kristi

Our first hit! And just like Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies we are a cover band. But we covers songs of classic TV shows like "Three's Company," "Full House," "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," "Facts of Life," "Small Wonder," "Family Matters," "Cheers," "Golden Girls," "My Two Dads" – get my drift? And I can't think of the name of that godawful show I used to watch either about an alien daughter and her alien father who she carried around in a ball and the song went "if you wish upon a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar!" We are going to make bling!$$

I also enclosed a picture (sorry it's not great) I took of my fatass stepfather who fell asleep watching TV with a bottle of hot sauce and the remote in his hands! And yes, this Jersey trash really graduated from Rutgers! Woohoo go Rutgers. You know he was watching some shitty football games! I hate sports! Please e-mail me back if you use any of my shit! I am a sick and twisted individual and I have a way with words and photography!